Sunday. Thank goodness! God really had the perfect plan for this day! Bit off a little more than I planned with construction and an evening out and some house guests after starting a new chemo. ;)
I feel much better than the last chemo though for sure. Weekly Taxol is certainly more tolerable than the 21 day cycle Taxotere. For me anyhow. Still the nausea and the weakness and general all over icky feeling with some head soreness and muscle pain but for sure better than the first one. That first one was comparable to a flu x10 lol. I feel so drained so easily doing little things, but todays plan is to do nothing.
The house projects I took on were unexpected online flea market bartering, that I just couldn't pass up! So that all started yesterday and seems to be going fairly well. Hoping to get most of it finished up though today, as its a bit overwhelming with the mess and lack of tub and sink to use, but will be well worth it once its all done. I have a new tub, shower, flooring and lighting fixture in process. And I will be getting 2 new screen doors put on also! I really though, can't wait to fill that tub up and sit in it....may have to pry me from it once I wrinkle up at this point!
Last night was a fabulous time with friends we hadn't seen in many years! I didn't last as long as I'd hoped but still had a great time and made it longer than I thought! I started the evening with hair, but that didn't last too long. The itchies and soreness overtook me and I resorted to my comfy hat! Maybe this wig thing will get better in time and towards fall but right now its just not comfortable. I'm 40. I need comfy more than vanity. lol We had a nice time though and for a little bit I felt close to a normal person vs. sick person. :)
Still have difficulty passing a mirror. I guess in time it will improve. Makeup does wonders for the morale though. With my face on I do feel a lot better, but I still LOOK like a sick person. That part is hard to get used to. I know I am still having issues with the acceptance part of this, but I'm getting a little better each day with it. It's a process in the works ;)
Off to relax and do absolutely nothing today. Looking forward to construction projects getting done and perhaps a nice long Epsom salt soak this evening!
God Bless!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Saturday morning 5:30am.
Still feeling fairly well. I over did it a bit yesterday but survived the day and made it through the night.
Boyfriends mom offered to take baby for the day at 10 am so I was pretty excited to have some free time while feeling pretty well. Got a few projects online going and once Simon got picked up I headed to new bathtub to start my day. Bathroom is a work in progress, shower can't be used yet, ran into some difficulty, and the flooring needs redone and sink and light fixture but the tub is ready! It was fabulous! It had been a few yrs since I was able to have a bath! After bath while draining tub the amount of hair loss though was tragic. Tons of hair laying in the water and towel was so covered with it I had to use a second one to dry off. The good news was that I had had it cut extremely short a few days prior. The bad news was she had left it longer on top so it still resembled a hairstyle. I will have to put some pics up to show the reality.
It didn't seem to hit me that hard at that time though. Just enough to aggravate me when I looked in the mirror. The top and front had lost so much, that I resembled the men with the male pattern baldness look. Not good. So I got online called my boys barber and checked their hours. Mom had called and asked about going to lunch and I said I needed to stop at barber and really get this head shaved. Shelly joined us also for this "event". I tend to like to use the shock factor to torture mom and Shelly, so while waiting my turn I did thank Shelly for being the first in line to widen mom's hips and be the first vagina baby through, leaving me the second in line that ended up with the nice round head! They both were a bit mortified at first with my comment before they laughed and shed a quick tear! hehehehe BTW my head is nice and round, Shel's a bit more oblong! ;)
All went well at the barber, they did look a little surprised when I took hat off and requested a buzz cut down to the lowest level all over. I smiled and laughed and made the most of it, threw my hat back on and we went off to lunch from there. Lunch was uneventful, just us girls enjoying each others company. Me torturing mom a little, I will leave that story out though...lol or you all will think I'm terrible and nuts!
From there, still feeling pretty good, so we headed to Lowes for some returns and floor shopping for bathroom. Shel and mom picked out my flooring and I chose a new light and mom got me the fancy squiggly light bulbs! Of course, Shel spoiled me with Lowes purchase and mom spoiled me with barber and lunch purchase! So it was a nice treat....again! Mom said her goodbyes there and Shelly and I went over to Target to do an exchange on some "jeggings" she had bought me. I needed a medium instead of small. We did that and picked up a few extra things and by that time I was very expired! So home I went. Boyfriend and Simon still weren't home so I sat and relaxed awhile.
My older son Kaleb was here and his gf. Hung out with them a bit and then I had some alone time. That's when it got bad.
It had been ok all day and I even updated my face book page keeping mostly upbeat and even adding some photos of my day to try and remain positive. :) It worked till the down time, when I was alone and passed a mirror.
Looking in the mirror after such a long day it just hit me all at once. The baldness, makes it so real. I look sick. I look like a cancer patient. The ones you see on t.v. in the movies. The reality of the situation. Knowing this shaved head wasn't going to grow back anytime soon. I don't think I believed I was sick or that this was really a deadly disease that some women over come and others fight with all they've got and still lose their battle! It just all seemed to come crashing down in a flash of a moment! I am sick. I do have cancer. I am fighting for my life. And I can't change it or fix it immediately. It's a long hard road, and I have to really put in the time and effort. I have to do everything in my power to beat this and survive for not just my children but my mom, and dad, and sister and brother, and my entire family and extended family and friends and just so many who rely on me for so many things. I still feel that I'm needed in so many ways for so many people. I have no choice in this. I've always been the strong one. I get my strength and I over come all the obstacles that life has thrown my way so that I can live to help and be there for others. That's always been my "way" of life. I've never felt complete, unless I can be the sunshine, the person to fix anything or help anyone to feel better, to stay positive and to really feel their blessings each day. It's all so overwhelming. It's so difficult for me to be on the other side. To need others to help me. To LET others help me. :(
Well, I have to move on from this topic as I try and type and the tears won't stop, and I'm not a crier. I'm tough. I'm a fighter. I can do this. I can't be weak and give in, I can't get tired and not care. I've got to toughen up and face reality and beat this. :) So on that note, moving one, making a cup of tea and slap a smile on my face.
Until later, may everyone have a blessed day and love each other a little more, say it, show it, and embrace your health and loved ones to your fullest ability. God bless!
Boyfriends mom offered to take baby for the day at 10 am so I was pretty excited to have some free time while feeling pretty well. Got a few projects online going and once Simon got picked up I headed to new bathtub to start my day. Bathroom is a work in progress, shower can't be used yet, ran into some difficulty, and the flooring needs redone and sink and light fixture but the tub is ready! It was fabulous! It had been a few yrs since I was able to have a bath! After bath while draining tub the amount of hair loss though was tragic. Tons of hair laying in the water and towel was so covered with it I had to use a second one to dry off. The good news was that I had had it cut extremely short a few days prior. The bad news was she had left it longer on top so it still resembled a hairstyle. I will have to put some pics up to show the reality.
It didn't seem to hit me that hard at that time though. Just enough to aggravate me when I looked in the mirror. The top and front had lost so much, that I resembled the men with the male pattern baldness look. Not good. So I got online called my boys barber and checked their hours. Mom had called and asked about going to lunch and I said I needed to stop at barber and really get this head shaved. Shelly joined us also for this "event". I tend to like to use the shock factor to torture mom and Shelly, so while waiting my turn I did thank Shelly for being the first in line to widen mom's hips and be the first vagina baby through, leaving me the second in line that ended up with the nice round head! They both were a bit mortified at first with my comment before they laughed and shed a quick tear! hehehehe BTW my head is nice and round, Shel's a bit more oblong! ;)
All went well at the barber, they did look a little surprised when I took hat off and requested a buzz cut down to the lowest level all over. I smiled and laughed and made the most of it, threw my hat back on and we went off to lunch from there. Lunch was uneventful, just us girls enjoying each others company. Me torturing mom a little, I will leave that story out though...lol or you all will think I'm terrible and nuts!
From there, still feeling pretty good, so we headed to Lowes for some returns and floor shopping for bathroom. Shel and mom picked out my flooring and I chose a new light and mom got me the fancy squiggly light bulbs! Of course, Shel spoiled me with Lowes purchase and mom spoiled me with barber and lunch purchase! So it was a nice treat....again! Mom said her goodbyes there and Shelly and I went over to Target to do an exchange on some "jeggings" she had bought me. I needed a medium instead of small. We did that and picked up a few extra things and by that time I was very expired! So home I went. Boyfriend and Simon still weren't home so I sat and relaxed awhile.
My older son Kaleb was here and his gf. Hung out with them a bit and then I had some alone time. That's when it got bad.
It had been ok all day and I even updated my face book page keeping mostly upbeat and even adding some photos of my day to try and remain positive. :) It worked till the down time, when I was alone and passed a mirror.
Looking in the mirror after such a long day it just hit me all at once. The baldness, makes it so real. I look sick. I look like a cancer patient. The ones you see on t.v. in the movies. The reality of the situation. Knowing this shaved head wasn't going to grow back anytime soon. I don't think I believed I was sick or that this was really a deadly disease that some women over come and others fight with all they've got and still lose their battle! It just all seemed to come crashing down in a flash of a moment! I am sick. I do have cancer. I am fighting for my life. And I can't change it or fix it immediately. It's a long hard road, and I have to really put in the time and effort. I have to do everything in my power to beat this and survive for not just my children but my mom, and dad, and sister and brother, and my entire family and extended family and friends and just so many who rely on me for so many things. I still feel that I'm needed in so many ways for so many people. I have no choice in this. I've always been the strong one. I get my strength and I over come all the obstacles that life has thrown my way so that I can live to help and be there for others. That's always been my "way" of life. I've never felt complete, unless I can be the sunshine, the person to fix anything or help anyone to feel better, to stay positive and to really feel their blessings each day. It's all so overwhelming. It's so difficult for me to be on the other side. To need others to help me. To LET others help me. :(
Well, I have to move on from this topic as I try and type and the tears won't stop, and I'm not a crier. I'm tough. I'm a fighter. I can do this. I can't be weak and give in, I can't get tired and not care. I've got to toughen up and face reality and beat this. :) So on that note, moving one, making a cup of tea and slap a smile on my face.
Until later, may everyone have a blessed day and love each other a little more, say it, show it, and embrace your health and loved ones to your fullest ability. God bless!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
First new chemo night.
I'm feeling ok. A little sick but very tolerable. A little sad too but I'm coping. A tear slips out once in awhile but I can bat it way! :)
Chemo was a breeze today really. Sat and got meds, bags after bags of stuff. Fell asleep a couple hours and didnt know it. Had Shel there and mom (I slept thru) and Tiff a while. :) And so many others that prayed for me and sent messages of love and support. <3
Made idiot request after waking up for KFC tater wedges and gravy, that Tiff ran and got me some. It sat well during chemo but kicked in when time to leave. Did NOT want to go home with bathroom under construction, so went to Tiffs. It was a good move LOL I wanted Shel to have chemo sicky sister break. ;) At Tiffs I sat and relaxed then ran to her bathroom to get rid of KFC. :) Felt better but belly cramps stayed with awhile. I am happy it went thru though system though since it had been several days of taking laxatives and stool softeners and NOTHING. So all good now. Chemo is rough on bowels and can land you in hospital from one extreme to the other. So all good again.
My hair is buzzed and shaved into a very short boy cut but this evening I lost tons of it just on top and in front. :/ I cant rock the male pattern baldness thing so I give it a day or so and want it razor cut off. I just can't bear to see the top gone and sides still there. I'm being big baby about it. I :)
will feel better with it all off.
Tried on wig and it does make me feel better so I am PRAYING I can make it out sat nite for a friend in town who wants a small "reunion" of us to sing and play some karaoke! Praying to feel well enough to go and see everyone! <3 a normal night!
Simon is getting some well needed time with his big sister which is wonderful! She loves him as much as I do, and has just finished 4.5 yr s college and looking for job, so she was off and watched Simon all day for me. Felt good knowing someone was here that followed my routine! She even kept him on my nap schedule!! Happy happy thoughts!
Waiting to get sleepy. Hoping its soon. Tomorrow Si is going with other grandma awhile at 10 am. Hoping I still feel as well as I do now, and MAYBE make a girls lunch get together! AFTER bubble bath in new tub!!!
THANK god for family, that got a useable safe tub in for me today!! Lotsa of small things still need finished up like floor and light fixture and stuff but tub is ready for me!!!
Off for the night, and feeling physically pretty good. <3 God bless everyone!
Chemo was a breeze today really. Sat and got meds, bags after bags of stuff. Fell asleep a couple hours and didnt know it. Had Shel there and mom (I slept thru) and Tiff a while. :) And so many others that prayed for me and sent messages of love and support. <3
Made idiot request after waking up for KFC tater wedges and gravy, that Tiff ran and got me some. It sat well during chemo but kicked in when time to leave. Did NOT want to go home with bathroom under construction, so went to Tiffs. It was a good move LOL I wanted Shel to have chemo sicky sister break. ;) At Tiffs I sat and relaxed then ran to her bathroom to get rid of KFC. :) Felt better but belly cramps stayed with awhile. I am happy it went thru though system though since it had been several days of taking laxatives and stool softeners and NOTHING. So all good now. Chemo is rough on bowels and can land you in hospital from one extreme to the other. So all good again.
My hair is buzzed and shaved into a very short boy cut but this evening I lost tons of it just on top and in front. :/ I cant rock the male pattern baldness thing so I give it a day or so and want it razor cut off. I just can't bear to see the top gone and sides still there. I'm being big baby about it. I :)
will feel better with it all off.
Tried on wig and it does make me feel better so I am PRAYING I can make it out sat nite for a friend in town who wants a small "reunion" of us to sing and play some karaoke! Praying to feel well enough to go and see everyone! <3 a normal night!
Simon is getting some well needed time with his big sister which is wonderful! She loves him as much as I do, and has just finished 4.5 yr s college and looking for job, so she was off and watched Simon all day for me. Felt good knowing someone was here that followed my routine! She even kept him on my nap schedule!! Happy happy thoughts!
Waiting to get sleepy. Hoping its soon. Tomorrow Si is going with other grandma awhile at 10 am. Hoping I still feel as well as I do now, and MAYBE make a girls lunch get together! AFTER bubble bath in new tub!!!
THANK god for family, that got a useable safe tub in for me today!! Lotsa of small things still need finished up like floor and light fixture and stuff but tub is ready for me!!!
Off for the night, and feeling physically pretty good. <3 God bless everyone!
3am and racing mind!
Woke at 3 and got up to take a pain pill. Back isn't cooperating this morning. If you want to call it morning! Belly pain and some cramps on top of the back pain was just too much to try and sleep through! So , up and starting my day! Maybe I can doze off after bit before I leave at 730 for the day! If not, I can usually nap at chemo. ;)
My back issues have been much less an issue the last few weeks since my brain has had to focus on the cancer and has been overloaded. But every few days I get the reminder that yes, that issue will one day need to be addressed too! I've had previous back surgeries that have disabled me from doing a lot of "normal" things that other people can do. Took me a couple of years to learn to accept the situation and learn my limitations that come along with it. Right about mid Feb, of this year I had an MRI after 4 yrs of trying to ignore the problem it had gotten to the point that I couldn't ignore it and needed to have it checked. I had learned to deal with the pain and had tolerated it with just taking some Advil or Tylenol (didn't want to be that person that relied on pain pills).In Feb the MRI had shown that 2 more disks were out and my stabilization system was still in tact but this brand that I had was breaking down in most patients and causing the disks above and below to blow out :/ . Surgeon recommended that we pull out the current system and replace it with a new one and build it uo a level and down a level to eliminate the excess bulging disks from squishing out on the nerves that run down my legs. It's a pretty serious surgery though with a lot of recovery time and I needed to take time and think on it. That's when I decided that a gyno exam and mamo should prob be addressed also. Gyno, pap test came back perfect, and mamo came back with this current mess. :( I've tried for yrs to keep my back stuff to myself and not advertise it, most people don't really know the extent of it. But it's there and unavoidable now. When the diagnosis of breast cancer came and I knew fixing it needed to be put on the backburner with the cancer, I gave in and asked for the lowest dose Vikedin to help. Didn't want to, but knew with the cancer stress I had to do whatever it took to get through this next year. So therefore I thought I may as well be honest on here and admit to it all. It took me yrs to accept that I am, and I hate the word, disabled. I have early onset degenerative disk disease, with originally 3 herniated disks, causing spinal stenosis, with the excess disk laying on the nerves. Originally they tried trimming back the disks, but that was short lived as my vertebrae collapsed and needed a another surgery to put a titanium rod in to stabilize the area from further collapsing. Now that system needs removed (manufacturer has pulled it from the market) and Surgeon wants to remove and replace with a new one and add on to it! :( Can't be done at this time though, the breast cancer takes top priority because my Her2 positive is at a 3, on a scale of 0 - 3. So , there, its out there. I have a back issue (I'm trying to ignore) and keep my focus on this current, and more life threatening issue of the cancer. It hasn't been too bad with the pain pill help that I really try and hold off most days by not taking the recommended dose unless absolutely necessary.
The back stuff was all caused by an injury in a band I was in as a hobby and pulled offstage by an older man wanting to dance. He had pulled me off and twisted me the wrong way and hurt my back, totally unintentional. But it happens. And I can't deny the fact that it has been life changing. It took me a few years to accept my new life with the limitations and learn that I am not able to do certain activities that will aggravate the situation.
I' m honestly ok with all of this now. Learning to cope with knowing my back can't be addressed right now and will have to hold off, until I can get this new diagnosis of breast cancer under control, just some days I do get the "pity me's" ! :) I get mad at myself when I do that, so I try and cut them short! There are so many others out there with worse scenerios, that I can't allow myself to slip into pity me mode. I THANK god each and every day that I have the cancer and not one of my children! I have 3 healthy boys and this is such a huge blessing. And most of my family is all healthy too. I currently only have to worry about moms breast cancer not coming back from last summer and my sister maintaining her health also! Mom is doing very well, with a lumpectomy and radiation last year, and she takes a pill a day for 5 years and gets reg check ups! So far so good for her, thank you god!
The past 2 months have been a whirlwind of acceptance! Most days are pretty good, some days it does overwhelm me but I know I can overcome all of this and live another healthy 40 yrs! I must. for my family, that is my strength, and my children. With humor and love and support from friends and family and leaning on god for strength to endure all this, I know I can conquer it all. So, this post is a reminder to myself that I can do anything through Christ, I've been so blessed to have so many wonderful supportive family, extended family and good loving, caring friends! Doesn't mean I don't have days I'd like to fast forward year or so.....lol .
Today is another stepping stone on my path to getting healthy. One more obstacle that I can get moving forward. It feels good to get this all out there and be honest and not have to continue hiding how much I really am feeling the mental, emotional and physical aspects of the reality of where I really am with back problem and breast cancer. I am strong. As well as my faith! With a huge surrounding of love and support. I am TRUELLY blessed. I can do this.
To all, have a GREAT day, hug your love ones. tell them you love them, and keep your chin up. Life can toss us anything and we can overcome it! I'm a believer, are you?
God Bless!!!
My back issues have been much less an issue the last few weeks since my brain has had to focus on the cancer and has been overloaded. But every few days I get the reminder that yes, that issue will one day need to be addressed too! I've had previous back surgeries that have disabled me from doing a lot of "normal" things that other people can do. Took me a couple of years to learn to accept the situation and learn my limitations that come along with it. Right about mid Feb, of this year I had an MRI after 4 yrs of trying to ignore the problem it had gotten to the point that I couldn't ignore it and needed to have it checked. I had learned to deal with the pain and had tolerated it with just taking some Advil or Tylenol (didn't want to be that person that relied on pain pills).In Feb the MRI had shown that 2 more disks were out and my stabilization system was still in tact but this brand that I had was breaking down in most patients and causing the disks above and below to blow out :/ . Surgeon recommended that we pull out the current system and replace it with a new one and build it uo a level and down a level to eliminate the excess bulging disks from squishing out on the nerves that run down my legs. It's a pretty serious surgery though with a lot of recovery time and I needed to take time and think on it. That's when I decided that a gyno exam and mamo should prob be addressed also. Gyno, pap test came back perfect, and mamo came back with this current mess. :( I've tried for yrs to keep my back stuff to myself and not advertise it, most people don't really know the extent of it. But it's there and unavoidable now. When the diagnosis of breast cancer came and I knew fixing it needed to be put on the backburner with the cancer, I gave in and asked for the lowest dose Vikedin to help. Didn't want to, but knew with the cancer stress I had to do whatever it took to get through this next year. So therefore I thought I may as well be honest on here and admit to it all. It took me yrs to accept that I am, and I hate the word, disabled. I have early onset degenerative disk disease, with originally 3 herniated disks, causing spinal stenosis, with the excess disk laying on the nerves. Originally they tried trimming back the disks, but that was short lived as my vertebrae collapsed and needed a another surgery to put a titanium rod in to stabilize the area from further collapsing. Now that system needs removed (manufacturer has pulled it from the market) and Surgeon wants to remove and replace with a new one and add on to it! :( Can't be done at this time though, the breast cancer takes top priority because my Her2 positive is at a 3, on a scale of 0 - 3. So , there, its out there. I have a back issue (I'm trying to ignore) and keep my focus on this current, and more life threatening issue of the cancer. It hasn't been too bad with the pain pill help that I really try and hold off most days by not taking the recommended dose unless absolutely necessary.
The back stuff was all caused by an injury in a band I was in as a hobby and pulled offstage by an older man wanting to dance. He had pulled me off and twisted me the wrong way and hurt my back, totally unintentional. But it happens. And I can't deny the fact that it has been life changing. It took me a few years to accept my new life with the limitations and learn that I am not able to do certain activities that will aggravate the situation.
I' m honestly ok with all of this now. Learning to cope with knowing my back can't be addressed right now and will have to hold off, until I can get this new diagnosis of breast cancer under control, just some days I do get the "pity me's" ! :) I get mad at myself when I do that, so I try and cut them short! There are so many others out there with worse scenerios, that I can't allow myself to slip into pity me mode. I THANK god each and every day that I have the cancer and not one of my children! I have 3 healthy boys and this is such a huge blessing. And most of my family is all healthy too. I currently only have to worry about moms breast cancer not coming back from last summer and my sister maintaining her health also! Mom is doing very well, with a lumpectomy and radiation last year, and she takes a pill a day for 5 years and gets reg check ups! So far so good for her, thank you god!
The past 2 months have been a whirlwind of acceptance! Most days are pretty good, some days it does overwhelm me but I know I can overcome all of this and live another healthy 40 yrs! I must. for my family, that is my strength, and my children. With humor and love and support from friends and family and leaning on god for strength to endure all this, I know I can conquer it all. So, this post is a reminder to myself that I can do anything through Christ, I've been so blessed to have so many wonderful supportive family, extended family and good loving, caring friends! Doesn't mean I don't have days I'd like to fast forward year or so.....lol .
Today is another stepping stone on my path to getting healthy. One more obstacle that I can get moving forward. It feels good to get this all out there and be honest and not have to continue hiding how much I really am feeling the mental, emotional and physical aspects of the reality of where I really am with back problem and breast cancer. I am strong. As well as my faith! With a huge surrounding of love and support. I am TRUELLY blessed. I can do this.
To all, have a GREAT day, hug your love ones. tell them you love them, and keep your chin up. Life can toss us anything and we can overcome it! I'm a believer, are you?
God Bless!!!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sleepy girl!
Off to head to bed, long day! Tomorrow new chemo! Hoping for some relief from the last one! :) Happy thoughts! Nighty Night! god bless!
Can I Quit cancer? ;)
Can I quit cancer? It's too hard emotionally and physically and the mental part is exhausting. I've never been a quitter but this is rough and no fun at all. :) I won't quit. I never do. Just a passing thought that I wanted to share. By next week, I will know new chemo process and will have some of my house back together and a usable bathroom, so lets fast forward a week, can't we? I'd REALLY like to fast forward 6 mths...but lets not get greedy!
From what I can recall, I have terrible time remembering things, its blood work starting at 8 am.
I.V. in port first then:
Hour of iron.
Hour of steroids.
Half hour anti nausea.
Hour and half of Herceptin
Hour and half of Taxol.
Hour of Carboplatin.
Hour of fluids to watch the effects of it all.
And another B12 shot.
Iron and B12 shot for x 6wks. The other fun stuff is x 15 weeks.
I'm tired just be thinking about it.
Done whining now. God Bless everyone for a good and healthy day. <3
From what I can recall, I have terrible time remembering things, its blood work starting at 8 am.
I.V. in port first then:
Hour of iron.
Hour of steroids.
Half hour anti nausea.
Hour and half of Herceptin
Hour and half of Taxol.
Hour of Carboplatin.
Hour of fluids to watch the effects of it all.
And another B12 shot.
Iron and B12 shot for x 6wks. The other fun stuff is x 15 weeks.
I'm tired just be thinking about it.
Done whining now. God Bless everyone for a good and healthy day. <3
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