...my breast cancer story.

The ups and downs of my breast cancer story.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

And on the 7th day....

Sunday. Thank goodness! God really had the perfect plan for this day! Bit off a little more than I planned with construction and an evening out and some house guests after starting a new chemo. ;)

I feel much better than the last chemo though for sure. Weekly Taxol is certainly more tolerable than the 21 day cycle Taxotere.  For me anyhow. Still the nausea and the weakness and general all over icky feeling with some head soreness and muscle pain but for sure better than the first one. That first one was comparable to a flu x10 lol.  I feel so drained so easily doing little things, but todays plan is to do nothing.

The house projects I took on were unexpected online flea market bartering, that I just couldn't pass up! So that all started yesterday and seems to be going fairly well. Hoping to get most of it finished up though today, as its a bit overwhelming with the mess and lack of tub and sink to use, but will be well worth it once its all done. I have a new tub, shower,  flooring and lighting fixture in process. And I will be getting 2 new screen doors put on also! I really though, can't wait to fill that tub up and sit in it....may have to pry me from it once I wrinkle up at this point!

Last night was a fabulous time with friends we hadn't seen in many years!  I didn't last as long as I'd hoped but still had a great time and made it longer than I thought!  I started the evening with hair, but that didn't last too long. The itchies and soreness overtook me and I resorted to my comfy hat! Maybe this wig thing will get better in time and towards fall but right now its just not comfortable. I'm 40. I need comfy more than vanity. lol  We had a nice time though and for a little bit I felt close to a normal person vs. sick person. :)

Still have difficulty passing a mirror. I guess in time it will improve. Makeup does wonders for the morale though. With my face on I do feel a lot better, but I still LOOK like a sick person. That part is hard to get used to. I know I am still having issues with the acceptance part of this, but I'm getting a little better each day with it. It's a process in the works ;)

Off to relax and do absolutely nothing today. Looking forward to construction projects getting done and perhaps a nice long Epsom salt soak this evening!

God Bless!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Promised pics..... :)




Saturday morning 5:30am.

Still feeling fairly well. I over did it a bit yesterday but survived the day and made it through the night.

Boyfriends mom offered to take baby for the day at 10 am so I was pretty excited to have some free time while feeling pretty well. Got a few projects online going and once Simon got picked up I headed to new bathtub to start my day. Bathroom is a work in progress, shower can't be used yet, ran into some difficulty, and the flooring needs redone and sink and light fixture but the tub is ready! It was fabulous! It had been a few yrs since I was able to have a bath! After bath while draining tub the amount of hair loss though was tragic. Tons of hair laying in the water and towel was so covered with it I had to use a second one to dry off. The good news was that I had had it cut extremely short a few days prior. The bad news was she had left it longer on top so it still resembled a hairstyle. I will have to put some pics up to show the reality.

It didn't seem to hit me that hard at that time though. Just enough to aggravate me when I looked in the mirror. The top and front had lost so much, that I resembled the men with the male pattern baldness look. Not good. So I got online called my boys barber and checked their hours. Mom had called and asked about going to lunch and I said I needed to stop at barber and really get this head shaved. Shelly joined us also for this "event". I tend to like to use the shock factor to torture mom and Shelly, so while waiting my turn I did thank Shelly for being the first in line to widen mom's hips and be the first vagina baby through, leaving me the second in line that ended up with the nice round head! They both were a bit mortified at first with my comment before they laughed and shed a quick tear! hehehehe BTW my head is nice and round, Shel's a bit more oblong! ;)


All went well at the barber, they did look a little surprised when I took hat off and requested a buzz cut down to the lowest level all over. I smiled and laughed and made the most of it, threw my hat back on and we went off to lunch from there. Lunch was uneventful, just us girls enjoying each others company. Me torturing mom a little, I will leave that story out though...lol or you all will think I'm terrible and nuts!

From there, still feeling pretty good, so we headed to Lowes for some returns and floor shopping for bathroom. Shel and mom picked out my flooring and I chose a new light and mom got me the fancy squiggly light bulbs! Of course, Shel spoiled me with Lowes purchase and mom spoiled me with barber and lunch purchase! So it was a nice treat....again!  Mom said her goodbyes there and Shelly and I went over to Target to do an exchange on some "jeggings" she had bought me. I needed a medium instead of small. We did that and picked up a few extra things and by that time I was very expired! So home I went. Boyfriend and Simon still weren't home so I sat and relaxed awhile.

My older son Kaleb was here and his gf. Hung out with them a bit and then I had some alone time. That's when it got bad.

It had been ok all day and I even updated my face book page keeping mostly upbeat and even adding some photos of my day to try and remain positive. :) It worked till the down time, when I was alone and passed a mirror.

Looking in the mirror after such a long day it just hit me all at once. The baldness, makes it so real. I look sick. I look like a cancer patient. The ones you see on t.v. in the movies. The reality of the situation. Knowing this shaved head wasn't going to grow back anytime soon. I don't think I believed I was sick or that this was really a deadly disease that some women over come and others fight with all they've got and still lose their battle! It just all seemed to come crashing down in a flash of a moment! I am sick. I do have cancer. I am fighting for my life. And I can't change it or fix it immediately. It's a long hard road, and I have to really put in the time and effort. I have to do everything in my power to beat this and survive for not just my children but my mom, and dad, and sister and brother, and my entire family and extended family and friends and just so many who rely on me for so many things. I still feel that I'm needed in so many ways for so many people. I have no choice in this. I've always been the strong one. I get my strength and I over come all the obstacles that life has thrown my way so that I can live to help and be there for others. That's always been my "way" of life. I've never felt complete, unless I can be the sunshine, the person to fix anything or help anyone to feel better, to stay positive and to really feel their blessings each day. It's all so overwhelming. It's so difficult for me to be on the other side. To need others to help me. To LET others help me. :( 

Well, I have to move on from this topic as I try and type and the tears won't stop, and I'm not a crier. I'm tough. I'm a fighter. I can do this. I can't be weak and give in, I can't get tired and not care. I've got to toughen up and face reality and beat this. :) So on that note, moving one, making a cup of tea and slap a smile on my face.

Until later, may everyone have a blessed day and love each other a little more, say it, show it, and embrace your health and loved ones to your fullest ability. God bless!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

First new chemo night.

I'm feeling ok. A little sick but very tolerable. A little sad too but I'm coping. A tear slips out once in awhile but I can bat it way! :)

Chemo was a breeze today really. Sat and got meds, bags after bags of stuff. Fell asleep a couple hours and didnt know it. Had Shel there and mom (I slept thru) and Tiff a while. :) And so many others that prayed for me and sent messages of love and support. <3

Made idiot request after waking up for KFC tater wedges and gravy, that Tiff ran and got me some. It sat well during chemo but kicked in when time to leave. Did NOT want to go home with bathroom under construction, so went to Tiffs. It was a good move LOL I wanted Shel to have chemo sicky sister break. ;)  At Tiffs I sat and relaxed then ran to her bathroom to get rid of KFC. :) Felt better but belly cramps stayed with awhile. I am happy it went thru though system though since it had been several days of taking laxatives and stool softeners and NOTHING. So all good now. Chemo is rough on bowels and can land you in hospital from one extreme to the other. So all good again.

My hair is buzzed and shaved into a very short boy cut but this evening I lost tons of it just on top and in front. :/ I cant rock the male pattern baldness thing so I give it a day or so and want it razor cut off. I just can't bear to see the top gone and sides still there. I'm being big baby about it. I :)
will feel better with it all off.

Tried on wig and it does make me feel better so I am PRAYING I can make it out sat nite for a friend in town who wants a small "reunion" of us to sing and play some karaoke!  Praying to feel well enough to go and see everyone!  <3 a normal night!

Simon is getting some well needed time with his big sister which is wonderful!  She loves him as much as I do, and has just finished 4.5 yr s college and looking for job, so she was off and watched Simon all day for me. Felt good knowing someone was here that followed my routine! She even kept him on my nap schedule!! Happy happy thoughts!

Waiting to get sleepy. Hoping its soon. Tomorrow Si is going with other grandma awhile at 10 am. Hoping I still feel as well as I do now, and MAYBE make a girls lunch get together! AFTER bubble bath in new tub!!!

THANK god for family, that got a useable safe tub in for me today!! Lotsa of small things still need finished up like floor and light fixture and stuff but tub is ready for me!!! 

Off for the night, and feeling physically pretty good. <3 God bless everyone!

3am and racing mind!

Woke at 3 and got up to take a pain pill. Back isn't cooperating this morning. If you want to call it morning!  Belly pain and some cramps on top of the back pain was just too much to try and sleep through! So , up and starting my day! Maybe I can doze off after bit before I leave at 730 for the day! If not, I can usually nap at chemo. ;)

My back issues have been much less an issue the last few weeks since my brain has had to focus on the cancer and has been overloaded. But every few days I get the reminder that yes, that issue will one day need to be addressed too! I've had previous back surgeries that have disabled me from doing a lot of "normal" things that other people can do. Took me a couple of years to learn to accept the situation and learn my limitations that come along with it. Right about mid Feb, of this year I had an MRI after 4 yrs of trying to ignore the problem it had gotten to the point that I couldn't ignore it and needed to have it checked. I had learned to deal with the pain and had tolerated it with just taking some Advil or Tylenol (didn't want to be that person that relied on pain pills).In Feb the MRI had shown that 2 more disks were out and my stabilization system was still in tact but this brand that I had was breaking down in most patients and causing the disks above and below to blow out :/ . Surgeon recommended that we pull out the current system and replace it with a new one and build it uo a level and down a level to eliminate the excess bulging disks from squishing out on the nerves that run down my legs. It's a pretty serious surgery though with a lot of recovery time and I needed to take time and think on it. That's when I decided that a gyno exam and mamo should prob be addressed also. Gyno, pap test came back perfect, and mamo came back with this current mess. :(  I've tried for yrs to keep my back stuff to myself and not advertise it, most people don't really know the extent of it. But it's there and unavoidable now. When the diagnosis of breast cancer came and I knew fixing it needed to be put on the backburner with the cancer, I gave in and asked for the lowest dose Vikedin to help. Didn't want to, but knew with the cancer stress I had to do whatever it took to get through this next year. So therefore I thought I may as well be honest on here and admit to it all. It took me yrs to accept that I am, and I hate the word, disabled. I have early onset degenerative disk disease, with originally 3 herniated disks, causing spinal stenosis, with the excess disk laying on the nerves. Originally they tried trimming back the disks, but that was short lived as my vertebrae collapsed and needed a another surgery to put a titanium rod in to stabilize the area from further collapsing. Now that system needs removed (manufacturer has pulled it from the market) and Surgeon wants to remove and replace with a new one and add on to it! :( Can't be done at this time though, the breast cancer takes top priority because my Her2 positive is at a 3, on a scale of 0 - 3. So , there, its out there. I have a back issue (I'm trying to ignore) and keep my focus on this current, and more life threatening issue of the cancer. It hasn't been too bad with the pain pill help that I really try and hold off most days by not taking the recommended dose unless absolutely necessary.

The back stuff was all caused by an injury in a band I was in as a hobby and pulled offstage by an older man wanting to dance. He had pulled me off and twisted me the wrong way and hurt  my back, totally unintentional. But it happens. And I can't deny the fact that it has been life changing. It took me a few  years to accept my new life with the limitations and learn that I am not able to do certain activities that will aggravate the situation.
I' m honestly ok with all of this now. Learning to cope with knowing my back can't be addressed right now and will have to hold off, until I can get this new diagnosis of breast cancer under control, just some days I do get the "pity me's" ! :) I get mad at myself when I do that, so I try and cut them short! There are so many others out there with worse scenerios, that I can't allow myself to slip into pity me mode. I THANK god each and every day that I have the cancer and not one of my children! I have 3 healthy boys and this is such a huge blessing. And most of my family is all healthy too. I currently only have to worry about moms breast cancer not coming back from last summer and my sister maintaining her health also! Mom is doing very well, with a lumpectomy and radiation last year, and she takes a pill a day for 5 years and gets reg check ups! So far so good for her, thank you god!

The past 2 months have been a whirlwind of acceptance! Most days are pretty good, some days it does overwhelm me but I know I can overcome all of this and live another healthy 40 yrs! I must. for my family, that is my strength, and my children. With humor and love and support from friends and family and leaning on god for strength to endure all this, I know I can conquer it all. So, this post is a reminder to myself that I can do anything through Christ, I've been so blessed to have so many wonderful supportive family, extended family and good loving, caring friends! Doesn't mean I don't have days I'd like to fast forward  year or so.....lol .

Today is another stepping stone on my path to getting healthy. One more obstacle that I can get moving forward. It feels good to get this all out there and be honest and not have to continue hiding how much I really am feeling the mental, emotional and physical aspects of the reality of where I really am with back problem and breast cancer. I am strong. As well as my faith! With a huge surrounding of love and support. I am TRUELLY blessed. I can do  this.

To all, have a GREAT day, hug your love ones. tell them you love them, and keep your chin up. Life can toss us anything and we can overcome it! I'm a believer, are you?

God Bless!!!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Sleepy girl!

Off to head to bed, long day! Tomorrow new chemo! Hoping for some relief from the last one!  :) Happy thoughts! Nighty Night!  god bless!

Can I Quit cancer? ;)

Can I quit cancer? It's too hard emotionally and physically and the mental part is exhausting. I've never been a quitter but this is rough and no fun at all. :)  I won't quit. I never do. Just a passing thought that I wanted to share. By next week, I will know new chemo process and will have some of my house back together and a usable bathroom, so lets fast forward a week, can't we?  I'd REALLY like to fast forward 6 mths...but lets not get greedy!

From what I can recall, I have terrible time remembering things, its blood work starting at 8 am.
I.V. in port first then:

Hour of iron.
Hour of steroids.
Half hour anti nausea.
Hour and half of  Herceptin
Hour and half of Taxol.
Hour of Carboplatin.
Hour of fluids to watch the effects of it all.
And another B12 shot.

Iron and B12 shot for x 6wks. The other fun stuff is  x 15 weeks.

I'm tired just be thinking about it.

Done whining now. God Bless everyone for a good and healthy day. <3

Hump Day!! Halfway to the weekend!

Up and moving at 4:30 am.  Not feeling to bad. Yay! 5 am Simon is up, he's all off schedule with liquid prednisone! :) Mr. Sun is still sleeping.

Today gonna attempt a bath kinda shower in my ripped out tile tub.. new one to be installed Thursday!  Can't fill old one up though so it will be an interesting scenario! lol

I will try this after grammy picks up Simon. They are going banking and walmart running later! Yay, free time. I may get something done! Well....we will see!

Hair still intact. Seems to be fading faster just up front in bangs area of what wasn't shaved off. Not good, haha. If I  start to look like man with his baldness on front and top and sides decide to stay I'm headed to barber for a real shaving! lol

AND got my period, yes, I had to share even that! Maybe that's why so crabby! It's supposed to stop during chemo! Maybe once I go tomorrow and get set up with this weekly chemo (all new) it will work. Looking forward to that part! Bring it! ;)

So far today is sounding pretty good, considering!  Have to find one of my dude buddies to help Kaleb pull tub out today. His brother sick with a fever and can't be in the house near me right now. And tub too heavy for one boy to move it out! I'm pretty sure I can find someone!

I am extremely frustrated with the men that live here. They aren't very helpful. My younger one Kaleb seems to be more on board with the bathroom construction but the older is sick and my bf is hopeless with my small requests. :/ It's most discouraging. But I am strong willed and get these projects done one way or another by myself. My bathroom sink is draining into basement for 2 WEEKS so I taped it off and said no using it till I can figure out how to fix it!  So right now my one bathroom has a usable toilet and that's it. Fun stuff. you'd think having chemo and cancer I'd get a little more help from them but ......oh well. Kaleb will do as much as he can by himself. Mama isn't much assistance with this cancer side effects and bad back. :/  But being a single mom with very little help is taking its toll. Wondering if my relationship will survive the cancer.  Time will tell.

Happy thoughts though for now. I have to keep my chin up! It's a must for my children! <3

God bless everyone and may we all have a good day!! 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Tuesday.

Day started off pretty good. Up at 6 thinking I'd get a little quiet time in, when Mr. smiley popped his little head around the corner and said good morning mama! Yikes. Usually its closer to 8 am. Thus he dozed off on couch around 11 until 1230 throwing our snuggle nappy time at 130 completely off schedule! :)  He is doing very well! Ear and throat is MUCH better today and way less crankies! Makes the day a little easier knowing he's starting to feel the effects of healing with his antibiotic, liquid steroids, and bendryl. That makes mama happy.

So many other things going on in my household that I'm feeling completely over whelmed! Long story and really nobody wants to hear it, not even me! lol

Trying to stay upbeat and focused on Thursdays new chemo and getting thru that day alone I've had enough right now. Very hard to do when your a single mom basically trying to hold it all together by yourself! I can do this!'

Tomorrow the sun will shine again and maybe I can make some more progress!  
God Bless, and may everyone get a great nights sleep!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Ahhh it's definately a Monday!

Good day over all for me! Not so much my little guy. He woke with a rash on one calf, had a bff run me over some cortisone cream and put it on him, but after naptime rash was everywhere! Poor baby, had to have him seen at Fast Care and they said he has a "contact rash" from what , we have no clue! But were told to continue his antibiotic for ear and throat and they gave him benedryl and a script for steroids. He's feeling much better with his ear and throat pain though! Now he's just itchy! lol He's off to bed now! Hoping tomorrow is a better day for him!  <3

I've felt pretty good most of the day, altho still very little appetite!   I even made it out to bath tub shop and tub surround! Paid for it, after running over to Giant Eagle to claim the gas credits with Home Depot gift cards!  All paid for and just needs picked up tomorrow! Will be put in on Thursday! I am SOOOO excited! I love what I chose!  Nothing real fancy but oh so fresh and clean looking!  More than I had saved though, so some on a credit card :/ but has to be done! Excited to be sitting in a tub maybe this weekend!

After shopping went to dinner with another gf and had a few bites before I started feeling bad, but got a to go box and came home. Back home in my "safe" place, my chair! :)

I held off on pain pills all day too, happy me! But caved and hour ago and took one and a Xanax for the panic I sometimes get.  They are starting to kick in....

Well off to bed soon very oon, this chickie needs her rest!!! Badly! :) God Bless!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Deck sitting chillin Sunday evening.

Wow. Sunday night already. Seems like a lot has happened in the last 24 hours. Making lots of house progress, very slowly, and Simon slowly starting to feel better from his ear/throat infection. Mr. Crabby Pants for almost 3 days had a very hard time with his first real illness. Yikes! HOPING and praying he perks up and the crabbies go away by tomorrow!  :)

Yesterday morning was 15 days post first chemo and sitting in my recliner having my morning tea, I ran my hand through the back of my hair and had a handful of strays. Not the normal 10 -20 strands, but enough to build a little bird house. Soooo, made an appt. with hair salon to get a buzz cut. Very personal decision I think for each woman. For me I couldn't bear the thought of watching it slowly get thinner and thinner etc... long blond hair has always been my "thing" , my look I suppose. My sister, Shelly, of course, took me, and I had Simon and his daddy follow. I wanted Simon to see mama getting her buzz cut like his big brothers do vs, me doing it and him having the shock of seeing mama without hair! So my hair is cut, the stylist left me a little longer on top with some tiny bangs to play with. And its ugly. lol Or so I really think. Every time I look in mirror I cringe but then I remind myself that I don't have to get used to this new look because reality is, it's going to fall out and there will be none in a couple of weeks. And Shelly has gotten me the most amazing cute hats that are really comfy! I also had 2 wigs trimmed to wear with bangs if I chose that route. But with the heat and had itchys and soreness I'm thinking those wigs may stay on the shelf till fall!  My face is slowly healing up too. Thank goodness! The rashy nasty acne looking thing (they think from an herbal sleep aid I tried) was creating it and its slowly improving too.

Also, I think a week ago was supposed to be period week, (I never keep track) never came. That's completely normal they say for it to stop during chemo. Yay! lol I don't mind that side effect. I'm hoping with the hair loss I get the perk of no leg shaving soon. Its ONLY fair if I'm bald headed that my legs are too. That's the rules! lol

Last night I felt really good. Simon did not. He was a BEAR. Yikes!  His big sister came over and we headed to our club for a little bit and saw some friends and relaxed. It was so very well needed. I "almost" felt normal for an hour or so. Came home, tucked baby in and went to sleep. A good night overall.

Woke up today feeling pretty good too. Mr. Crabby Pants did not lol. Day went pretty good, even made it to mom's to float in the pool awhile! Ate a little too! Alas it didn't last all day. Started getting woozy, and that yucky feeling and total exhaustion and had to come home. But it was all good while it lasted! AND Shelly got my 2 more hats!! Love getting presents!

Tomorrow starts the new week. Lots of progress going on this week in the house. Lotsa of cleaning and clearing out! And Thursday new chemo.....

Oh yea, mom brought me over some home made perogies too from our local Cruiza palooza downtown!!  YUMMY! I ate 2 and they stayed down!

Off for the night. Sleep well, sweet dreams, until tomorrow...good night!!! God bless!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Saturday. Close to 90 today!

Up early, and having my tea and already took the meds. Waiting for them to kick in. I went to bed without taking a pain pill, so its a bit rough this morning. Slept fairly well, except when the little guy woke up once. He's in a lot of pain. His one ear infection improved tremendously but his throat is very raw and sore. :/ Seems only ice water or very cold gater ade is all he is able to swallow. It's day 4 for his antibiotic so I'm hoping he feels better today when he gets up. This is his first real sickness, and he is NOT a happy little person! :) good news though, is if his antibiotic doesn't start to work today we have a stronger one we can go and get filled. He's never been on any so we were hoping the lighter one would work! Praying he feels a little better today.

As for me, I feel, as well as can be expected I suppose. Still a lot of weakness, and soreness. I'm wondering if I have a small case of viral infection with this little one being sick all week that may be trying to weasel in on my weakened immune system. There hasn't been a day since chemo, July 7th, that I've actually felt very good. There have been some days more tolerable than others, but never an all over good feeling day. I'm  hoping and praying new chemo treatment improves this. I'm hoping that a weekly treatment gives me some good along with the bad, even if its short lived each week! I just want a day or two every week of feeling well.

Still working on my bathroom fund goal! That's been keeping me busy! And I've been able to clean out the house a little with selling off the belongings that haven't been used in years! I've also had some donations from mom to add to my pile and things are slowly adding up! I'm getting there! I can't wait to have a new tub and shower surround and fill it up and soak! It's been a few years and I just keep my eye on the goal! I think I'm well over 200 so far!  I just want a very basic bath tub but the surround may be a little more than the lowest price one. I'd like to get one that is all in one piece vs one that has seams! Purely for lazy reasons of cleaning it! lol No seams, less areas to catch dirt or mold! ;)  Not sure if I wrote why I needed the tub, but long story short is that my current tub is a broken spa tub that the lines don't flow thru cuz of broken motor a couple years back. I can't fill that tub and sit in it safely, not knowing what bacteria may be lurking in the lines. Chemo really lowers your white cells amongst many other things and I am very vulnerable to any tiny infection. Chemo patients must be EXTRA cautious on every little thing or you get time spent in ICU! And there will be none of that!! lol

I need my family and home and children around me to keep up my spirits. Along with prayer and god's help I can get through this. One day at a time. It's a slow process and tests your patience to that absolute limit some days, but I will conquer it! hey, I still have my hair too! It's day 15! I was told its pretty standard for it to be around 14 days from chemo start, so lets see how accurate that is!

Off to watch the news, and catch up on the social world via facebook. The house is asleep, except me. It's very peaceful. <3 God Bless!

Friday, June 21, 2013

TGIF

Friday. Wait all week for this day! Love my weekends. Although another uneventful one with not feeling so hot! Weather looks beautiful. Still clinging to the major crabbies here. Hoping it passes, I don't even want to be around me! lol

Baby up at 6 am not feeling well along with this mama not feeling so great. First 2 hours we both were cranky and miserable, but he just dozed off. Poor little guy. Still fever this morning, but got his antibiotic in him and some Motrin! Now he's sleeping peacefully on the couch <3

I feel a little better. Usually do in the mornings. Afraid to shower. They said yesterday I'm due for hair fall out, and there's usually no warning and it just clumps out in the shower.  On the one hand I'd like to get it over with and deal, on the other I want it to stay as long as possible.  I'm just so hot or cold with emotions this week. Not sure why. Maybe the pms thing. Can't tell cuz they said that will cease too during chemo.

I want to roll over and wake back up on the happy side. I mean really, its FRIDAY!

Missing out on another favorite local tiny carnival this week! Kittanning has the best little one with live bands in the evenings! Maybe this evening a miracle will come and Simon and I both will feel GREAT and go for a little! Ok, BIG long shot, but one could dream! ;)

If not, maybe a little fire on the deck this evening and swing and talk to the moon with my little guy. We like to swing and make up stories together.

TGIF everyone! Happy thoughts. God bless!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Mama and baby both feeling under the weather tonight!

Long day. :/ Missed my baby, while he visited grammy overnight until his antibiotics were in him 24 hours!  But he's home now, still with a fever but back in mama's arms! Just an ear infection, his first real illness! Poor little guy! And he had gotten his first real haircut, I think, day before yesterday?  Looks all grown up!  :(  But my mind and heart are at peace again having him back home!

Today was blood work day at the Center. and I got a bag of iron and a B12 shot. Both very uneventful. Felt pretty good this morning but by mid afternoon and evening I started feeling ill again. Just a general all over icky feeling. Hoping my Pain pill and Xanax kick in soon and I'm off into wonderland. :)

I'm extremely edgy and irritable lately. It's very hard to contain at times. The only "safe" person is the baby from my moods. Just hard to be nice and upbeat and friendly feeling so bad all the time. I need to try a little harder. I've noticed over the past few weeks that some "friends" that you think are "friends" kind of disappear if you aren't able to keep up with the social things that were once possible. But I guess that's how the ball rolls. I'm absorbing it, and praying that I never become one of those. I'd hate to think that I am the type of friend who bails if one of mine would get ill or have a serious medical condition. And this is only 1 month in! lol So to those that bailed after just a few weeks I guess it's best I accept it now anyhow!

I don't like cancer. Never really new to much about it, but wow, have I been educated and so quickly. It bites. Actually no, it sucks. I have to use that word because it's one of my least favorites.  I've overcome some pretty big hurdles in my life and I will overcome this one too, just today I feel a little discouraged. Maybe its hormones. Hmmm. No sense pondering it.

Lets see, I have 3 beautiful healthy boys, and a WONDERFUL family support system and some really great friends....I'm focusing ;) happy thoughts!!! This week is another one of my favorite small local carnivals, maybe, just maybe, we can pop over for an hour or so this week. If not, there will be others.

Well enough of the "pity me for one day and night! Tomorrow is a new day! And the sun will shine!! Sweet dreams!  God Bless!

Thursday morning!

Closer to the weekend! Rough night. Baby has an ear infection and had to stay over at grammy's because of my low immune system. :/ Hoping I can get him home after 24 hours antibiotics! Today my blood work appt. turns into an I.V. of super hero's powers. I'm getting iron, magnesium, electrolites, and a B12 shot. Plus I started folic acid pills last week! :) Trying to get my body all set up for next weeks new chemo! I need my baby home though. That's my mental medication! And that one I can't live without! :) But grammy keeps reassuring me she has it covered, and I must remind myself its for the best right now. I can't compromise my immune system at all at this time, or else I'd be stuck in hospital and then REALLY wouldn't be seeing him even longer!

Feeling blah, but WAY better than the last few days. Maybe today's booster i.v.'s perk me up even more!

Happy Thursday to everyone! <3

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Wednesday.

Slept in till almost 6 am.  Fairly certain I fell asleep by 10 pm. That's the longest I've slept straight through in a few years I think.  You'd think I'd feel refreshed. :P Yea, well, not so much. Haha. I have a massive headache and stiff and sore muscle and bones, along with a heaviness in my chest. And as always a "sick" belly. Seems to be my normal morning aches and pains. Today, my hips, and legs are aching a smidge more too, must be humid out there! This all improves dramatically after first cup of tea along with the meds that I started with all this, what a bout a month ago now? Usually a half hour from now, my pain level falls down to about a 3, and my happy self is back.

It seems that a lot of things are starting to fall into place slowly. One of the biggest I've noticed is my 3 yr old miracle. I always knew there was a special reason we were given him and knew one day that it would all make sense.  For me, I have 2 older boys, almost 22, and 20 and was told years ago that conceiving would be difficult from scar tissue of female d/c's and minor issues in my 20's. Simon's father has a 28 yr  old daughter and a 24 yr old daughter, then in his late 20's he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, had to have one removed and followed up with radiation that he was told he'd be sterile from the radiation. Imagine, our surprise when we found out I was pregnant! We both looked at each other suspiciously! lol  But then Simon was born, and this beautiful little boy is perfect! (Needless to say, I had my tubes tied, and daddy got checked, and had to have a vasectomy because he still was able to have more!)  But the chances of us having a child together was pretty rare. I was considered Advanced Maternal Age having him (SERIOUSLY that is crazy to me, I had him after my 37th Birthday!)  Anything over 35 is considered that! ANYHOW, I know now 100% that God blessed me with this perfectly healthy and beyond amazingly smart little boy. My baby. My love. My reason for fighting with all I have in me. This journey would be taken completely different if it weren't for Simon. Don't get me wrong, I love my older boys just as much, but I have done all I can do to guide them into young productive adult men. My duties there are completed and their fates now lie in the decisions that they choose.

Simon needs a mama. He needs the love and guidance that only mom's can give. I have to fight this with my entire being to be here for him for a long time!   I'm truly blessed that I have an amazing family, mom, and step dad, dad, sister, and brother and sister in law along with a handful of amazing friends that truly act like extended family. All of this network of loved ones, are making this as tolerable as possible when it gets rough and I feel the weight of it falling on me.

Once in awhile, I slip up and get angry and wonder why me. But why not me?  What makes me so special that I shouldn't have to carry this burden? I'm hoping throughout all this some medical advances may be found too. The apocrine carcinoma is very rare. Maybe my case can be studied and they can advance a little further with it for others! Even if nothing makes a difference in the medical field from my case, I know it will make an impact in many other ways, through loved ones that are coming on this journey with me. I think we all are learning to live a little more, love a little more and cherish each other a lot more! :)

Well, this is all getting a little too deep before 630 am...and its making me cry...but in a good way!! The fight continues! May everyone hug their loved ones today and TELL them they love them, it can never be said too many times!  God bless. <3

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Tuesday 5 am wake up.

Wow, people really function at this hour? I'm not a happy morning person. Up and waiting on meds to kick in. Got all cozy and set up in my recliner with my tea to watch the morning news and check emails and was looking forward to couple hours of relax free time. Simon pops his head around the corner with a big smile at 5:30 saying, good morning mama!  :) Can't resist that little smiling face! BUT a normal day is between 7:30 and 8:30!  He is better than medication though for pain. When he snuggles in with me and looks up with those big blue eyes and tells me his morning plans! So we are both wide awake and settling in for the morning. Pain has subsided a bit, and I think I may be ok today, if I don't do anything. so that's the plan. Try and stay as comfortable as possible. God bless everyone and have a great day!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Whoops, blind sided.

Well, day started out not so bad! But by afternoon, wow, the pain and misery. Yikes! Took me till about 3 hours ago to recall my doctor telling me that this chemo cycle of 21 days peaked about halfway through.....I really didn't think much of it at that time. Then BAM it hit. Muscles, head, bones, throat (again) there's not a spot on me that doesn't throb or hurt in some manner. :(  tough girl is hiding, and wimp is winning tonight!  My only solace is that this chemo route we are discontinuing after its run its course and doing the new one the next scheduled visit. So on the 27th a new one that she PROMISES will not be as over whelming with the nasty side effects as this. She assured me this is not normal to feel this bad, that I'm having an abnormal nasty reaction to it.  Therefore, we discontinue it and find one that is tolerable. To that I say THANK GOD. As tough as I am, I KNOW I can't do this one for 6 mths. :(   So enough about that!

Play a little online Texas Hold Em and wait and pray for sleep and relief. God Bless everyone!

Monday.

Fairly uneventful evening. I was pretty crabby. I'm hoping it passed. :) Think happy thoughts. Slept from 11:30 till 7:00 that's pretty huge. Shelly gave me some herbal thing, didn't think it was working though after an hr and a half so resorted to a Xanax. Puts me to sleep pretty easy. 7.5 hours is AMAZING for me. Lets make it a good day!

Physically I feel pretty good. Woke up stiff and muscle/bone aching, but started the morning meds with my cup of green tea. Feeling a little bloated, so hoping that things "move" along soon. In chemo world that's one of there biggest concerns. ;) Dad bought me and Simon some gummy bear probiotics and we started them Friday. Bottle says 10X better than yogurt LOL. Let's give it a shot! Face and head is  breaking out :/ a lot last 2 days. Like a high school teenager. I've had pretty good skin the last ten yrs so I'm hoping this is a hormonal thing or something and it too will pass. Nothing worse than a bald person with bad skin. haha. Although, hair is still all in tact, there is something going on up there. Some tingling and some bumps. I'm getting a "head" start on the bald idea, lol,  by not doing my hair and bangs each day and pulling it all back and keeping even my bangs pulled back. Def. not as cute a look.....but I want to get used to idea of not hiding behind a good hair day!

Being able to eat small portions and keep it in is helping some with the energy too. Thursday is just some blood work and an i.v. of iron and a B12 shot, (also started on folic acid pill) so maybe that will keep me even perkier!  Then no appts till new chemo next Thursday! Yay. Quiet week!

I have a project household goal that I'm focusing on right now. And anyone who knows me, where there is a will there is a way, so my focus is on that right now. With or without a man's help I am determined to make this new project happen!  Nothing can stop me!!

Have a fabulous Monday! Simon and I are going to!! No matter what!  <3 God bless!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

If Body Parts and Organs could talk.

Wow. 330 am. My Saturday went fairly smoothly. Pain was tolerable, felt a bit better, got the loose bowel issue resolved after many days! And thank goodness because I had till Monday to get that one fixed or I was told a vacation at the local hospital was in order to figure out what was wrong. Yikes. I like my bed and recliner, thank you very much!

This afternoon I felt well enough to go to Target with sister while my little guy was at a carnival with a good friend Miss Tammy. We couldn't stay long, as once I was there I started to feel not so well, so back home we came! But we tried! I relaxed a little, had a half piece of toast and rested.  Towards 830 pm I decided to try again and go see a band and sign our drawing book at local club. Made it almost an hour too there, then felt bad again, so home we came. It's the oddest feeling in the world, leaving your home and doing "normal" activities though. Seeing the world moving forward like there is nothing wrong. It's so difficult to describe. I feel out of place amongst other healthy people, or something. I can't put my finger on it. :/ Maybe I need some therapy! lol

Now I came home and snuggled with my little guy and fell asleep, then BAM the pain returned waking me once again! Augh! Frustration. YOU get pulled out of a slumber so quick once that pain pill is done working! If my body parts could talk, it would make the best sellers list! There isn't a part on me that wasn't throbbing. Head ache, neck soreness, back and hips and legs and best of all, the bowel.  Now I vaguely recall blowing off the nurse and doctors telling me that with chemo you either will be one extreme or the other with constipation or diarrhea, and me not giving it any thought. I've seemed to be blessed with both. BUT I did realize yesterday that since the "loose" wasn't there I prepared myself with the stool softeners but REALLY? Oh my goodness.....so outa bed, scrambling, half crawling into the bathroom with belly pains I went!  What a nightmare. Bowel pain is a whole "crappy" new ballgame....hehe...sorry, had to say it!

Anyhow, its, now 4 am and the pain pill is starting to work, and the cramps, muscle aches, bone aches are slowly diminishing.  Ahhhhh, :) Maybe a little Texas Hold Em online, then try and sleep a little more....good night!  


Saturday, June 15, 2013

Shower, post chemo.

Here's what really happens when its shower time in the morning post chemo, at least in "Bobbi's world".       ;)

1. Walk into bathroom, brush and floss teeth and undress.
2. Sit on side of tub catch your breath about 3 min.
3. Turn on the shower and get in and shampoo your hair.
4. Stand under water to rinse while holding onto wall to catch your breath.
5. Throw some conditioner in and proceed to do a quick wash, face, armpits, nether regions and feet.
6. Stand under water and hope the hair conditioner rinses out while holding onto wall and catching breath.
7. Skip the shaving, because its just not worth building up the energy!
8. Turn water off, grab a towel and run to bedroom and lay down about ten min.
9. Roll off bed and head back into bathroom to dry off and comb out hair.
10.  Throw on some panties and bra and head to sit in recliner for 20 min to get up the energy dress and put a little make up on.

:)  After that, an hour in recliner, then I can finish up and style hair if I have enough umph to bother with it that day!

By this time its almost noon and a nap is in order...  :) Who needs pilates or zumba after all that? Not this chickie! 

6 am Saturday morning!!!

Hmm almost feel normal. :) Woke up a couple hours ago and (knock on wood) feeling a bit better! I'm hoping for a good day. No major accomplishments or plans, but just an overall feel good day. Simon has an invite with a close friend later this afternoon to go to a local small carnival. In the past it's been difficult for me to let him go with anyone almost anywhere, but I'm slowly getting better at letting others help out and let him go enjoy himself. Just because mama isn't well doesn't mean he should miss out on some fun activities! It's summer time in PA, which is limited nice weather and I want him to have a great summer! At 3 yrs old I have such a mature well behaved little guy, he deserves to have fun plans! So today the plan is relax, maybe get some house chores done that have been neglected and that's about it.

On the "c" word side, having some belly issues still but more tolerable, and some skin issues, along with a tingly scalp with some sore spots, but no hair loss as of yet :) It's coming I'm sure but not quite ready yet for it!

Have a great weekend!!  God bless!

Friday, June 14, 2013

TGIF

Fridays! Love them for family time! Gone are the sleeping in days though. Lucky to get 4 to 5 hours at a time. Face and nose had been extra sensitive last 2 days. The meds must be taking their toll! But a good friend ran me over some overnight healing cream that I immediately put on! Even inside of nose is raw, I'm guessing its a side effect of chemo.

Fingers crossed still and praying for some relief from the pains soon. Only 8 day post chemo and not feeling good at all yet! :) maybe tomorrow will be better ! 

And hoping the chemo switch to weekly will make the side effects more tolerable.  I need some strength!!!

It's only 8 days post chemo, and I noticed some sore spots on my head. Nothing is loose, or falling out yet, but a bit uncomfortable. I imagine this is normal too!

Today was a pretty good day considering the pain level. Baby was great all morning and kept my mind busy! He had a fab time yesterday with his Aunt Lynette taking him to story time at library, then they met grammy at "donalds" for lunch and a mall trip too!  (I had doc apt so it kept him busy!

New chemo schedule is going to be a bit of switch with having to find a sitter for 4 to 6 hours every Thursday, but I'm sure we will manage!  Off to bed, sleep aids kicking in!! Sleep well friends!!!

OOPS

Forgot, blood worked all looked great but I'm down on Iron, B12, and folic acid? Anyhow next chemo they are going to juice me up with them also!  Yee Haw! Maybe some energy and get up and out to see the world a bit after that!   :)

Hopeful!

Doc yesterday is planning to switch my one chemo drug that's putting me immobile each day (day  after day) So my 21 days chemo plan will now be a different drug that's once every 7 days. I am MORE than happy to go once a week if it can ease the pain! And I am tossing the Neulasta shot, and replacing it with Neupogen . the new "blood drug will be only as needed per blood check each week!

I have to resolve the issue of bathroom runs asap or I'm getting vaca in Hospital. :( NOOOO I cant do that! Anything clear stays in and I'm a huge water fan so there's no dehydration issue, but my scales dropped too many in the last 7 days.  I'm looking for suggestions to try some natural foods that will bind this up and keep food in! Desperate! lol Can't be in hospital away rom my 3yr old sunshine snuggler.

But I feel pretty lousy today, BUT I know the med change will be an improvement, so I'm working on focusing on that date!  27th it starts then I will go once a week new chemo and once a week blood check. Crossing fingers less side effects!!

My best friend happens to be a pharmacist and he got approval for a drug called Zofran for the actual belly pain for me, and it  (without it covered it was $200 a month! )  I just need a plan to fix the diarrhea or else hospital stay. 4 diff meds prescriptions  don't work.  Send me you binding food ideas!!!

TGIF world!! Hoping it all goes well and a cheery weekend ahead!  <3 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Middle of the night.

Ever notice how lonely it can get in the middle of the night as you ponder your life and think that majority of your region is deep asleep and comfortably sleeping and healing their bodies? This seems to be the hardest part of being a cancer patient. The words don't seem real. I can even block them out at times and almost forget that this is where I am and what I am doing. Recently, I had drifted off at naptime with my 3 yr old, (only 20 min really) and had this wonderful dream of my whole family being on vacation on a cruise ship. We were all laughing and tormenting grammy (my mom) for trying to keep up with celebratory shots of some green concoction that she seemed to be wearing all over her face! I even remember in this dream giving my almost 22 yr old heck for tormenting her. Then I woke up. Woke up to tears rolling down my face with a reality check that this was just a dream, that I am still here, barely a month into the cancer nightmare. It's very surreal. I don't ask myself why me though, I know it can happen to anyone, I had just imagined this type of thing happens to the elderly, and the reality is, it can happen to anyone at any time. Makes me wish for quicker and more efficient research and options for the many Millions out there whether young or old had more options!

Right now I will keep focusing on the positive, and getting through one day at a time. That's one day closer to being healthy!
Keeping strong. :)

Not nice.

I was told growing up if you had nothing nice to say then you should say nothing at all. So goodnight blog!  :P

Oh, what a night.

Made a trip to the E.R. to see what was up with fever and sore throat and headache and body and muscles....  Labs looked ok except waiting on a couple that take 24 to 48 hours. They think its a sinus infection maybe, or viral infection if the labs look ok. :) That actually made me happy. I was really hoping that I have some infection somewhere that is causing the pain vs. this is the normal cancer/chemo/Neulasta shot pain. So cheers to this being a viral infection! (fingers crossed)

Still unable to eat.  :/ day 4 of eating and it runs right thru me. Mom brought over some Ensure to try too this am, and it lasted almost half hour. I feel like the pain and weakness is lack of nutrients being able to stay in there long enough! Tomorrow is more blood work, so while I'm there, I am going to see if they can switch up my meds for nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Grasping at straws to feel good!

And I looked up my Neulasta shot. The side effects are awefull and there is  a list of whom is a good candidate for this shot. I'm not anywhere near that list! And they are not doing blood work before they give it to me! Sooooo I have decided no more shots, unless they check blood first to see if I need it. Seems senseless to add on something that may or may not be needed.

As for the rest of the day, its gorgeous out there, maybe some storms coming thru this evening though. Good sleeping weather!!  Simon is busy watching the neighbor cutting his grass, lol, the highlight of his day, is watching mowers and lawn tractors!  Can't even suggest a nap for him till those mowers are done! He'd have heart failure!

Almost 1 pm and my body is rebelling again!  Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine!!!  Happy thoughts!!!  

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Sun is out!

Nearing the end of the day, and the sun decided to shine. Simon's sitter and best friend came over to play awhile outside, which is soo nice! He's been wanting to all day but this mama just didn't have the energy to take him! Back in my recliner and waiting for cup of soup to cool. Hoping that it sits well! I think the weakness and lack of energy is what is making me feel terrible! Woman cannot live on water alone! Grammy and Tiff brought freeze pops today and Sister came with another bag of gifts including some med supplies! My angel in disguise. She even found me "me hair" ! A wig that's almost an exact match to my own head except that I have fine thin hair. And its longer. Who doesn't want longer? lol Ok, maybe a middle aged groupie, but still!  Till next time....

On a scale of 1 to 10....

Wow. Only 4 days since chemo. I can honestly say this is the worse pain that I can ever recall. I'd say I'm pushing a 9.5.  :( Wondering what wrong with me, because I know, or always thought, that I have an abnormally high pain tolerance! Just not letting up tonight!! Yikes. Watching my temp creep up and wondering what it means is no fun. They say to go to doc at 100.5, that doesn't even sound like a fever to me. But really! Feeling badly!!!  My best guess maybe that nasty Neulasta shot and leaving the steroids behind.... the steroids were only taken for a 3 day time stretch for chemo. Not quite sure. Trying to hang out as long as possible before a quick trip to the E.R. I hate to do that. Sounds weak. I don't like feeling weak. But this tough girl seems to be fading fast tonight! Off to try and distract myself!!

6 days post chemo

Made it till 3 am this morning. Not sure how I'd deal without my local peeps keeping my mind occupied through the middle of the night. Slept from 10 to 3 though. A little better. :) Last night was a bit easier with some company stopping by, makes the evening go a little better with some distractions, and they brought me presents! I'm like a 3 yr old!

Need to get on a med schedule to manage the side effects. Not real great at organizing all that yet! But it must be done to make this tolerable. A WHOLE new respect for chemo patients!  So crazy to even try and describe the agony. The say everyone is different. Make me wonder why I'm so light weight then with the pain. :/

OH well, its 5 am and maybe today some of the pain will diminish!  Weather should be cooperating! YAY!!

Happy Tuesday to all!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

The Good the bad and the ugly truth.

:) 2:30 am. As the world sleeps, my beautiful day of having fun in the sun has caught up to me. I sort of dread writing this post, but since I've obligated myself to share all, I thought, hey why not log on and share. Lucky, you all! lol

The day went well, the food was amazing but knowing I hadn't eaten well for a few days I still couldn't resist temptation! I So from there I ended up having to try and keep my mind occupied by picking things up and cleaning the pool area a bit, before scrambling to get our things together and get back home to my "safe place" (that's my living room recliner!)

After being home an hour I dozed on the swing on my deck in hopes of watching the  baby play awhile. My fiancĂ© said I slept there and hour and a half or so before I moved to the couch where I ended up asleep for another 4 or 5.  Thus 2:30 am. problem with sleeping through meds is when you wake up you REALLY pay for missing a dose!

1. Sore throat like no other. No clue why.
2. Canker sore on lip, never had one.
3. Port Sight throbbing to no end!
4 Belly pain, thinking maybe its been a few days for a poo. lol although hard to recall since my food intake has been so low.

TMI  yet?

I feel its important to document all this as my reminder of all of this when the day comes to choose my surgery options.  I cannot do this twice!!!  :)

Already feel a little better getting my gripes out. Odd release to type it out and let it all go for a night!

Sleep well world! Cheers to hoping for a better tomorrow! 

A beautiful sunday with family plans ahead.

Today the plan is to head over to mom's with a high of 81 here in PA. Mom tends to crank the heat up on the pool for the little ones and us older ones who tend to chill easily! Picnic and some family time sounds wonderful about now. :)

The day after chemo went fairly well, with going in to my first Neulasta Shot. The shot was tolerable, but will say I tiny bit painful as it was a muscle shot in back of arm. No real side effects from it, altho I had prepped with their advice on the Claritin pill day before , day of and day after.   That evening I was able to go couple of hours and watch my Pens game (sadly we lost) and was able to enjoy being out of the house felling "normal"!  Chemo day comes with steroids the day before, day of and day after. Then the Neulasta shot comes with Claritin pill day before, day of and day after. so By Saturday some of the "aids" that help control the side effects were wearing off. :( Yesterday a bit rough. I've had steroids before for some back stuff, and the heartburn coming off them can be a it intense and the aches and pains in the bones are a little annoying. But over all tolerable. Spent most of the day up and down trying to get comfy. I get upset with myself when my mind wants to accomplish things but my body doesn't cooperate! lol Better get used tot that though!!! Oh, btw, I do have to take the anti nausea meds every 6 hours, the queasiness just doesn't seem to ease up for me at this time. (again, tolerable but annoying, so long as I don't drop too low I will be happy!) And I also still take the Xanax at night, and the Vikoden for the bone and muscle aches. This all is very difficult for me at times, since I've been a prescription med free person for over 4 years by choice.But I am giving it my all for my children and family!. :( But this isn't about me right now, it's about survival and making it thru each day with as much comfort as possible!

But cheers to a  new day ahead. Try and make some brownies here later for mom's and hoping to be able to maintain an fairly carefree day with my most  loved ones!!   That's what keep me going each day! 

Hope everyone enjoys their beautiful Sunday that the Lord has created for us to rest! God Bless!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

More pics!




shel, mom, me, and brother Christopher year ago easter <3

First Day Chemo pic.



First Day of Chemo.

Long. Boring. 8am started and got outa there at 330 :) BUT PET SCAN IS CLEAR!!!!! Woop woop! Big happy dance! By clear I mean that other than my breast cancer from head to toe nothing has spread. Results read negative for metastasis. YAY! 

First chemo is put in way slower than any other one will be so they can see how your body reacts. So, I'm giving a little detail in case anyone is ever curious as to what they do.

First was access to port with iv, she said I'd feel a big pinch, I felt nothing at all. Then I had I think 30 min of anti nausea (long acting 5 day drug) and steroids. After that, they did Docetaxel, Carboplatin, and Tras...something (nurses handwriting is not very good LOL ) so not sure of how those are spelled. Don't really remember how long each was but they were long. lol I felt pretty good but very very sleepy. I slept thru a visitor even :/ . My mom, sister, fiancĂ©, friend Tiff all came and visited me. And a friend Brian, (but I slept thru his visit) oops. Mostly felt just kind of "off" all day. Now it's not so pleasant but its tolerable.

I'd REALLY like to see some comments. Anyone out there? Just let me know you're out there and why you are reading all my boring thoughts! LOL I would really like to hear from anyone! <3

Off to kiss my baby, he's been ditching me the last couple days :/ Missing my snuggle buddy, but now that a lot of the pre testing junk is out of the way, I will be around him more! Hopefully! ;)

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Hump day..remembering when "half way to the weekend" was happy thought!

Less than a month ago, on a Wednesday mornig I'd wake up full of cheer thinking wow 2 more days and the weekend will be here! Weekend's are for family gatherings, sleeping in, sat night date night, and lotsa lounging around! Today is wed. Woke up with panic over trying to grab a quick shower, get some clothes on the baby, pack his little day bag for his grandma's, fix myself up and be out the door by 9:30. Got the baby, out the door and Shelly came to pick me up. (All this minus my morning tea, due to the "fasting" issue.) But, I made it. All good.

Pet scan was a breeze once I got there. They checked my blood sugar, 91, all good, and gave me my injection of radiation tracer mixed with glucose. Then you sit very still for an hour and wait. After your hour wait, you then go to the scan area which took around 45 min for mine. No issues. All done. 2 to 3 days for the results they said. Altho mine will be expidited to oncology by morning, before chemo starts at 8 am. Yay. I can honestly say I'm not any more or less anxious about the results than I've been the last few weeks. OF COURSE I'm hoping and praying it's all clear other than the confirmed lump in the right breast, but I'm really not in crazy mode thinking anything worse. I guess, I'm more in limbo, of this is all out of my hands and in gods. What will be will be.

Yesterday, was a bit different. Yesterday, I felt lousy. Crabby, self pity, miserable, and all that not so good stuff. The worst part is when people ask you what is wrong and what can they do. I have no answer on those type of days. :/ I don't know why some days are fab and hopeful and other days are just sad and selfish. But it seems to always pass.

Well, tomorrow is the first day of chemo. And PET results! Off to relax and will TRY and write tomorrow, for any that may be out there reading....  happy thoughts to all!  <3

Monday, June 3, 2013

Me and all of my boys last summer!


Mondays. Slighty cloudy with some sun trying to poke through!

Morning started with little one all smiles and ready to start the day. Oh to be 3 again and wake up full of energy and optimism!  :) His little face all ready to take on the day bright and early! I on the other hand thinking about that first cup of tea and hoping the "kinks" of a 40 yr old loosen up in the first hour! lol

Got the little one settled in with his breakfast tray and his matchbox cars. Then made my call to the Hospital to the PET scan dept. to refresh my memory on the prep which starts tomorrow for it. (I keep a note pad and pen handy when doctors call and take notes all the time!) BUT my scribble notes kind of ran together and I couldn't tell which prep went with which test! So, my phone call started with an apology with a feeble attempt to explain that I normally am more responsible with note taking! She said she understood, and went over the prep with me a second time. MADE sure I took better notes and labeled it PET scan! Nothing to difficult. No exercise, no sugar, lots of water the day before and fasting 6 hours prior to scan. I can handle all that. Forgot to ask how long scan took. Forgot to ask how it is done. I do remember being told no babies or small shildren around me for 3 hours post test. Guess I'm getting the afternoon off. Maybe head to mom's pool and float in the sun pending the sun is shining. That's the plan so far.

Thurday is first day of chemo. 8 am. Chemo plan is called TCH. That's all pending the outcome of the PET scan on Wed. If PET scan shows anything else the chemo plan may be altered. But right now thats the plan. I'm trying to avoid thinking about it too much right now. Best to put it on the backburner and dwell on it the night before maybe! :) 

Off to focus on this little guy this morning. He keeps me distracted. A very good thing. Today feels like it could easily be another one of those backslides into self pity, where I'd like to hide in bed under the covers! BUT we can't be doing that, now can we!  I've always dreaded those days where I've felt like that. So many others have it so much worse and there's no room in this house to feel sorry for myself.  Maybe once I get this little guy to nap, I can shower and slap a little makeup on and clean up the house a bit. That always seems to help! Happy Monday to all. May the sun shine over everyone and keep happy thoughts all week!  <3



Saturday, June 1, 2013

Weekends are for fun!

Saturday. Fairly uneventful day. Trying to relax and enjoy. The plan is to meet up with some great friends later and enjoy the Pens game :) Hoping my mental state improves as the day continues. Everything today has been pretty good so there really is no explanantion for the little cloud that seems to be lingering over me today. I was hoping to make an evening out as a way to sort of feel "normal" per say? Minimal pain at the port sites, just a little annoyance but tolerable. Maybe a nap will help! To all out there watching hockey this evening, best of luck to whomever your fav team is! For me, it LETS GO PENS!!! :)