Wednesday.

Slept in till almost 6 am.  Fairly certain I fell asleep by 10 pm. That's the longest I've slept straight through in a few years I think.  You'd think I'd feel refreshed. :P Yea, well, not so much. Haha. I have a massive headache and stiff and sore muscle and bones, along with a heaviness in my chest. And as always a "sick" belly. Seems to be my normal morning aches and pains. Today, my hips, and legs are aching a smidge more too, must be humid out there! This all improves dramatically after first cup of tea along with the meds that I started with all this, what a bout a month ago now? Usually a half hour from now, my pain level falls down to about a 3, and my happy self is back.

It seems that a lot of things are starting to fall into place slowly. One of the biggest I've noticed is my 3 yr old miracle. I always knew there was a special reason we were given him and knew one day that it would all make sense.  For me, I have 2 older boys, almost 22, and 20 and was told years ago that conceiving would be difficult from scar tissue of female d/c's and minor issues in my 20's. Simon's father has a 28 yr  old daughter and a 24 yr old daughter, then in his late 20's he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, had to have one removed and followed up with radiation that he was told he'd be sterile from the radiation. Imagine, our surprise when we found out I was pregnant! We both looked at each other suspiciously! lol  But then Simon was born, and this beautiful little boy is perfect! (Needless to say, I had my tubes tied, and daddy got checked, and had to have a vasectomy because he still was able to have more!)  But the chances of us having a child together was pretty rare. I was considered Advanced Maternal Age having him (SERIOUSLY that is crazy to me, I had him after my 37th Birthday!)  Anything over 35 is considered that! ANYHOW, I know now 100% that God blessed me with this perfectly healthy and beyond amazingly smart little boy. My baby. My love. My reason for fighting with all I have in me. This journey would be taken completely different if it weren't for Simon. Don't get me wrong, I love my older boys just as much, but I have done all I can do to guide them into young productive adult men. My duties there are completed and their fates now lie in the decisions that they choose.

Simon needs a mama. He needs the love and guidance that only mom's can give. I have to fight this with my entire being to be here for him for a long time!   I'm truly blessed that I have an amazing family, mom, and step dad, dad, sister, and brother and sister in law along with a handful of amazing friends that truly act like extended family. All of this network of loved ones, are making this as tolerable as possible when it gets rough and I feel the weight of it falling on me.

Once in awhile, I slip up and get angry and wonder why me. But why not me?  What makes me so special that I shouldn't have to carry this burden? I'm hoping throughout all this some medical advances may be found too. The apocrine carcinoma is very rare. Maybe my case can be studied and they can advance a little further with it for others! Even if nothing makes a difference in the medical field from my case, I know it will make an impact in many other ways, through loved ones that are coming on this journey with me. I think we all are learning to live a little more, love a little more and cherish each other a lot more! :)

Well, this is all getting a little too deep before 630 am...and its making me cry...but in a good way!! The fight continues! May everyone hug their loved ones today and TELL them they love them, it can never be said too many times!  God bless. <3