Saturday morning 5:30am.

Still feeling fairly well. I over did it a bit yesterday but survived the day and made it through the night.

Boyfriends mom offered to take baby for the day at 10 am so I was pretty excited to have some free time while feeling pretty well. Got a few projects online going and once Simon got picked up I headed to new bathtub to start my day. Bathroom is a work in progress, shower can't be used yet, ran into some difficulty, and the flooring needs redone and sink and light fixture but the tub is ready! It was fabulous! It had been a few yrs since I was able to have a bath! After bath while draining tub the amount of hair loss though was tragic. Tons of hair laying in the water and towel was so covered with it I had to use a second one to dry off. The good news was that I had had it cut extremely short a few days prior. The bad news was she had left it longer on top so it still resembled a hairstyle. I will have to put some pics up to show the reality.

It didn't seem to hit me that hard at that time though. Just enough to aggravate me when I looked in the mirror. The top and front had lost so much, that I resembled the men with the male pattern baldness look. Not good. So I got online called my boys barber and checked their hours. Mom had called and asked about going to lunch and I said I needed to stop at barber and really get this head shaved. Shelly joined us also for this "event". I tend to like to use the shock factor to torture mom and Shelly, so while waiting my turn I did thank Shelly for being the first in line to widen mom's hips and be the first vagina baby through, leaving me the second in line that ended up with the nice round head! They both were a bit mortified at first with my comment before they laughed and shed a quick tear! hehehehe BTW my head is nice and round, Shel's a bit more oblong! ;)


All went well at the barber, they did look a little surprised when I took hat off and requested a buzz cut down to the lowest level all over. I smiled and laughed and made the most of it, threw my hat back on and we went off to lunch from there. Lunch was uneventful, just us girls enjoying each others company. Me torturing mom a little, I will leave that story out though...lol or you all will think I'm terrible and nuts!

From there, still feeling pretty good, so we headed to Lowes for some returns and floor shopping for bathroom. Shel and mom picked out my flooring and I chose a new light and mom got me the fancy squiggly light bulbs! Of course, Shel spoiled me with Lowes purchase and mom spoiled me with barber and lunch purchase! So it was a nice treat....again!  Mom said her goodbyes there and Shelly and I went over to Target to do an exchange on some "jeggings" she had bought me. I needed a medium instead of small. We did that and picked up a few extra things and by that time I was very expired! So home I went. Boyfriend and Simon still weren't home so I sat and relaxed awhile.

My older son Kaleb was here and his gf. Hung out with them a bit and then I had some alone time. That's when it got bad.

It had been ok all day and I even updated my face book page keeping mostly upbeat and even adding some photos of my day to try and remain positive. :) It worked till the down time, when I was alone and passed a mirror.

Looking in the mirror after such a long day it just hit me all at once. The baldness, makes it so real. I look sick. I look like a cancer patient. The ones you see on t.v. in the movies. The reality of the situation. Knowing this shaved head wasn't going to grow back anytime soon. I don't think I believed I was sick or that this was really a deadly disease that some women over come and others fight with all they've got and still lose their battle! It just all seemed to come crashing down in a flash of a moment! I am sick. I do have cancer. I am fighting for my life. And I can't change it or fix it immediately. It's a long hard road, and I have to really put in the time and effort. I have to do everything in my power to beat this and survive for not just my children but my mom, and dad, and sister and brother, and my entire family and extended family and friends and just so many who rely on me for so many things. I still feel that I'm needed in so many ways for so many people. I have no choice in this. I've always been the strong one. I get my strength and I over come all the obstacles that life has thrown my way so that I can live to help and be there for others. That's always been my "way" of life. I've never felt complete, unless I can be the sunshine, the person to fix anything or help anyone to feel better, to stay positive and to really feel their blessings each day. It's all so overwhelming. It's so difficult for me to be on the other side. To need others to help me. To LET others help me. :( 

Well, I have to move on from this topic as I try and type and the tears won't stop, and I'm not a crier. I'm tough. I'm a fighter. I can do this. I can't be weak and give in, I can't get tired and not care. I've got to toughen up and face reality and beat this. :) So on that note, moving one, making a cup of tea and slap a smile on my face.

Until later, may everyone have a blessed day and love each other a little more, say it, show it, and embrace your health and loved ones to your fullest ability. God bless!