...my breast cancer story.

The ups and downs of my breast cancer story.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sunday night, Mom's birthday.

Figured I touch base here on occasion. :0)  Pretty good weekend. Pain was kept manageable, and the nausea. Nice Friday night with my brother, Saturday an early birthday celebration that I was able to make it out till 1030 or so too! Spent today at the pool with my family for Mom's birthday! Now it's crash time! I have them coated in Aveeno skin relief and covered in soft socks! Hoping for a good sleep here later since it seems like we ran all weekend! I guess its inevitable!

Off to relax! God Bless!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Wednesday

Missing my old blog :/ lol been with me from the beginning!

Still hanging in there. ;)

Monday, August 5, 2013

Tsunamis and Rainbows continues on with privacy settings.

Tsunamis And Rainbows is now moved to a private Face Book page. If you are interested in continuing to read it please send friend request :) 

Monday. :) Happy day.

Start of a new week. Unfortunately blog has been compromised and I no longer feel able to vent my feelings here. Someone reads and feels need to make comments and such on other sites. So until I find a way to block I'm gonna keep my feelings to myself. :)

No worries. I'm pretty resourceful. Made it through the weekend. And that crummy hospital stay. Only 9 weeks of chemo to go!!

God Bless! <3

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Sunday night.

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!

Stressssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, how to eliminate it, or jump off the bridge! 

Sunday!!!

Simon is off to church. Feels like I slept hours last night trying to catch up! Woke up this morning feeling not to bad :) . Quite jet lagged with no appetite, but oh so happy to be home. Just that one night in hospital, makes one appreciate their own surroundings a lot more. Good to be home.

No plans Sunday. Headed to shower. Not moving real fast but really no need. Today I want to enjoy the day and relax, on the deck and enjoy this gorgeous day. Still a bit chilly at 56 but supposed to warm up to a nice comfy 72. lol That means low blood count girl will be sporting some sweats again today but I will take it!

Hoping for an uneventful week, except for chemo Thursday. :) No more hospitals or Enjoy this beautiful day that the lord has given us!

God Bless!

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Rain clouds.

Felt pretty good yesterday before chemo. But had some trouble afterwards. Leaving there I noticed a real sense of weakness and heaviness in my legs and chest sqeezing sensation in the middle of my chest. But figured it is related to the benedryl dragging that I get after chemo. Usually improve as the day goes on once I am home. It didn't yesterday. So I knew it was something to get checked. They had warned me the one chemo drug is hard on you heart and they had ordered a base line MUGA test before starting the drug so as to have something to compare changes to while taking it.

Last night in the E.R. they just did and EKG and some blood work.  I didn't hear anything negative from those, But oncology doctor wanted me to stay the night for observation and have a cardiologist do an ecko on me before letting me go home. So this morning I will get that test, I also slept with something attached to my chest all night that reads the whole time. The squeezing eems to have lessoned quite a bit. And even yesterday I had this horrendous struggle to keep eyes open or move legs but wasn't tired, and didn't feel the sickness or nausea that I've had for so long. I actually felt good other than the 2 new things. Now so far this am not bad at all. Did need Zofran iv for a little belly rolling but figured I'd nip it early. :)

Hoping for some good news from doctor and released today. All in all feeling pretty good. Just crossing fingers my heart checks out alright. I KNEW I should have worked harder at that 4 to 6 oz of red wine they say that is GREAT for your heart! lol

Happy Day to all, and God Bless!!!!

Friday, August 2, 2013

TGIF...Friday! Finally!

Cheers to the weekend. Yesterday I started to feel good off and on. :) Better than I have in days, well I guess more like weeks! This week though, when I think about it, I've managed to eat also, very small portions but more often. Way better than the previous two weeks. Still trying to watch my water intake, which is kinda of crazy, I should just ask for my blood work today I had my appointment yesterday with doctor and voiced some of my concerns and also got the all clear for chemo this morning. I'm anxious to keep moving with it, each delay, tacks onto the end. As of right now chemo will be completed mid October. Yay!

After doctor's I took Simon to the park. I managed to get him down for an early nap so he could go with me. He ran around the park and just watching him was uplifting! Hadn't felt well enough all summer to take him. We managed an hour and a half then had to come home. I still tire so easily. Hey, he got his nap in early, but that ment I missed mine! lol But over all a pretty good day. :)

Off to shower soon and mom will be picking me up for chemo. Shelly is in Atlanta on DIY blog stuff. :/ I can't think about it, or I tear up. I like her home and close! Mom and I will manage. :)  Big brother Kaleb is watching Simon this morning again. <3

Have a fabulous Friday! We are! God Bless!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Chemo delayed.

Oncology called yesterday and my doctor was off  and will not be in this morning, so chemo is on hold till I can see her and get the ok for it. They had just gotten my pathology on the MRSA. They scheduled me for 1:45 today. Right at naptime. :) Once she clears me, more than likely they said I will be scheduled for Friday morning.

Wondering how long chemo drugs stay in your system after you've finished. Having last weeks put on hold I thought I'd be dancing in joy and happiness feeling good this week. lol Maybe its the MRSA. I guess I've actually only had 2 full days and one that first night of new correct drug for it. I DID read on other peoples blogs, chemo patients, that had gotten MRSA, have a difficult time with repeat infections with it, one poor lady had it 11 times! YIKES! BUT, I also read one recommendation of swabbing your nose daily with Neosporin or Bacitracin makes a HUGE difference. That is DEFINATLY on my list to ask doctor and supply up on!!!  :) New goal is to get rid of this and keep it from returning. I now wipe the toilet seat with Lysol wipes every time after I use it to keep anyone else in this house from getting it. Made me think about the cancer center where I get my chemo. There are no wipes in there bathroom and no toilet seat covers. And no doctor had warned me of this possibility. I wonder how many patients in there may have it and are too embarrassed to ask the doctor about it. hmmm I believe I've been carrying this from first round of chemo almost 2 mths when I told her about it after first chemo and SHOWED her it and she gave me wrong meds.  :/  I have am not one to be embarrassed to mention something if it's making me sick but others may be.

Ahh live and learn. :) Focus on keeping healthy and making certain changes. Off to start my day! I plan to make it a good one! God Bless!

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Wednesday!

Stay upbeat, stay upbeat....yes, talking to myself! :)  Day 2 new antibiotic. I find myself really hoping some of this yucky feeling is just MRSA related and is going to disappear along with it!

Have to drink a lot of water with this new antibiotic but trying to watch my intake. My sodium runs low and the water doesn't help. I've always been big water drinker, but the problem is that it flushes out the sodium so quick. I passed out when pregnant with Simon from it, and yesterday felt sooo woozy all day, I know I have to be careful!

Focusing on keeping August plans in my mind. Lots of fun stuff to try and go to. My favorite month! lol  We have our Moose club picnic Saturday. Hoping to make at least the 2nd half of it for Simon. So many good people there that are so supportive of my family. They keep me going too! I have been having some "good feeling times" throughout the day off and on yesterday and praying it continues. Other than this blog I think I do a pretty good job staying smiling. I waited a bit this a.m. to write so I am not feeling to bad right now. Legs are tingly and numb but it usually passes in an hour or two! So far so good!  I want to be one of these ladies that did my same chemo that felt a little better. :) My goal!

I don't know WHAT I was thinking last night posting a public invitation to try and do a brunch this morning on my face book. lol Simon has plans and I thought it would be nice to see some girls and have a bite to eat but now I'm nervous that I won't be up to it! Good news, most busy, except one! And Kelly, would probably come visit with me here at home if I can't!  Must think before post next time!

On a good note, I had a friend deliver some wood for my deck fire pit. We've always used the clean burn logs from Walmart to have a little fire on occasssion, but I wanted a chemical free fire to roast some marshmellows with Simon. He has never had one! So I am really looking forward to that! I love sitting on the deck at night with him on my swing and him telling me stories. <3 Last night we sat and he told me all the things that he could see in the clouds. Such an imagination he has! Truly my best time of the day!

Time for tea refill. I'm already water logged so I'm switching. Have a blessed day!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Brrrr 52 on this Tuesday in PA in July!

Yes, very chilly this morning. Fall weather, waking up shivering! From mornings of 50's to afternoons in the 70's. Almost tempted to turn on little space heater at 5 am to take the extreme chill off!  But, I just bundled up good and got under blankets. Need to slipper shop! lol A little early in the season, but not when its 50's!

Yesterday I felt a little better. It was an up and down day. I'd feel ok for a little while then not so good, off and on.  BUT was happy to hear that I was correct in thinking I had MRSA. Not happy to have it but happy to know I wasn't crazy :). I had the same thing about a week after my very first chemo that I felt so ill and was put on an antibiotic. Then again, almost 3 weeks ago. This all could have been avoided if I'd had the right antibiotic over 2 months ago. :( So, I tossed the 2 antibiotics they gave me and started another one last night. The first 2 help a little but aren't the best choice for it I was told. This one is supposed to go in for the kill. Yay. Hopefully this one 3x a day next 10 days does the trick! This being sick junk is for the birds. I don't mind a few days of not feeling well but endless going into weeks is just too much. So here's to new med slashing the MRSA.

On another note, my UMC specialist called back. Still confused. Not going to dwell on it though. Just do my time. haha. She isn't quite sure about the lymph node comment on pathology report either. Could be nothing. Could be a little something. But she assured me it won't matter because she stated it's so close to the tumor that it will be removed along with it during surgery after chemotherapy. I'm praying it comes back clear at that time, I think it's the difference between radiation or not. Oh please pray for no radiation. I wouldn't even be doing all this chemo if it weren't for the Her2+ being 3+. Tried everything to get out of chemo. lol But was told it's the best route. Now I'm 2 mths invested so I've got to hang in there and finish. It's a challenge. I keep reading these other women doing a similar chemo plan to mine and they all feel ok. Hoping mine is linked to the 2 mths lingering MRSA and will continue to improve. Maybe? lol  Please! :)

Made dinner last night. Seemed like forever that I actually cooked. But in my defense, summer is always less cooking and more grilling and such! But this crazy weather had me thinking fall foods. Needed to take the chill off the kitchen anyhow. So I made Grandma Sally's Stuffed Pepper Balls, mashed potatoes, and corn. A crowd pleaser here. I ate a little. But yikes, did I pay for it. lol Belly pains for about an hour, but it did stay put! :)

Amazingly, to this day my weekly blood work checking my white count for the need of that expensive shot that has those terrible side effects hasn't been necessary. I had that shot one time and was told I'd get it weekly. When I questioned it, and asked to have my blood checked to see if I needed it they agreed. And to this day, I haven't had to have one. hmmmmm. Politics? Government?I don't put much energy into digesting that, but I will say it does make one think! :)

So again, this morning started out rough, but already starting to feel a little better. My anti nausea with my tea is starting to kick in. YAY. Hoping for a decent day! Sometimes it's hard putting on my happy face, but for the fact of my little one with his generous affections.

Have a great Tuesday! We will here! God Bless! 


Monday, July 29, 2013

Monday morning, really early!

It's 5:30 am and very quiet! The house is still asleep. I slept pretty good off and on from 830 or so. Took an Ambien around 10 I think. Woke up a few times, but rolled over and dozed back off. All in all not too bad. :)

I don't think I have any appts till chemo Thursday, but I'd have to check with Shelly, to be sure. Hoping to hear from my Pitts specialist soon on my ultrasound.  Oncology doctor just didn't know the answers I need. :/  So I'm hoping once Dr. Bonaventura receives all of my reports and cd's that she can fill in the blanks. I was told I'd hear from her late Friday, but didn't. Wasn't to concerned though, a phone call from her then would be limited also until she has my cd which was being mailed. The reports were faxed but the films and cd mailed. So I will be patient till she gets those all together and can make her assessments. I will call my other doctor later today and see if he has pathology report back on my infection that has kept me down this pat 2 weeks. Seeing if it's MRSA or not. It is much better as far as the area, but the lingering body pains and issues are still hanging around. Wish cancer had better treatment options than chemotherapy. It truly is brutal. I've read different combos for different cancers are more tolerable, but my heart goes out to those with any like this! I will say Saturday night helped a lot, getting dressed, and doing makeup and leaving the house for awhile. My friends were able to distract me and make me feel almost normal for a little bit. I'm blessed. :)

It's almost August and it just feels like summer is slipping away! Missing my family gatherings soooo much. Seems like we aren't doing as much as we have in the previous summers. Normally we'd be together every weekend for swimming and picnics and this year is a little slacking. Maybe I will push for some more time there! I miss the little ones running around and the big boys floating and carrying on. Feels a little like they are avoiding me. Maybe I should start wearing hair around them! lol try and blend in a little more and make them think I feel better!

Today I am trying to start making myself eat something small with these morning meds. Yes, it was a small sugar cookie, barely got it down, but trying to get something in my belly before all the medication goes in. Have to figure out a way to protect my lining more. I've been having a lot of pain with the daily nausea. Maybe I should be nicer to my lining! lol Hoping it will pay off and start to improve!

Mondays are usually pretty hum drum, but today I am going to make an effort to make it a good one. For the whole household. Thawing out some hamburger to make a pot of stuffed pepper balls for them. (Their grandma Sally's recipe!)  A good day for it. 50 in PA this morning, with a high of 74 at 4pm. Good day for it! Woke up feeling pretty bad, but already starting to improve. Let's have it continue throughout the day! 

May everyone have a very blessed week ahead! <3 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Sunday night.

I made it through the weekend. Still kickin ;) lol I've had my doubts the last couple weeks, but hanging in there. Friday we had some plans but were unable to even attempt them because of cancer. Disappointed wasn't the word. More like getting discouraged.

Saturday was pretty relaxing most of the day, Simon had his first bowling adventure with dad. From the pictures it looked like he really enjoyed it! I stayed home and did the bed to recliner routine pretty much most of the day. Saturday night I had scheduled the girls to watch Simon. My body and mind tried to talk myself out of it multiple times before the girls even got here! But, I didn't cave. We went. Had a nice time seeing some friends and having some adult time after almost 2 weeks at home sick. Other than doctors appts its been fairly lonely and just plain miserable being stuck not feeling well. It used to be when not feeling well at least a little deck company could distract me, but the last couple weeks its been too hard to even make it out to the deck. It amazes me how many people have gone through this sometimes multiple times and I've never really heard about the huge impact it has on your life. It consumes you. :/  Thus, forcing myself out awhile last night, helped my mental state quite a bit. And I made it almost 3 hours. That's impressive in itself. But getting towards 11, I had def had enough and needed to be home. :)

This morning Simon was all excited and ready for Sunday school. Full of energy and ready to go! Off he went! I spent the day between bed and recliner mostly but did manage to get outside for a small time to watch baby play. Still struggling with head and stomach pains, and dizzy nausea is getting old fast! Cancer has no allies. ;)

Boys are at the grocery store now, so it's a little quiet time. I think I'm going to use it to crawl back into bed again and try and ease some of the pains. Hope everyone had a good Sunday! God Bless!

Friday, July 26, 2013

Rough morning.

I can honestly say if it weren't for my 3 yr old needing to be with mama each day I'd move out of my own home. Waking up sick and needing in the bathroom, waiting 45 min, then Simon's wakeup and needing stuff at 615 am while I'm still waiting for bathroom is just not a great start to the day. Going into kitchen to make a cup of tea, and seeing sticky countertops and sticky table, (my fault cuz I grilled them some dinner and didn't clean) is just another lovely bonus living with insensitive clueless men. These 2 really have NO idea what cancer and chemo is all about. I think moving in with my family and  them dealing with living on their own, including paying daycare $800 a month may be an eye opener that should come soon. Hey, I may need to do what I have to do, to get through this.  :) JUST SAYING. 

TGIF

Trying to think of something bright and cheery to start with :) lol hey its FRIDAY. Not that Friday seems to be much of anything lately. My fun filled family weekend time seems to have resorted to still the same as the week days of recliner to bed and back every couple of hours. BUT maybe this week since chemo was cancelled I will have a brake in the sickness! To be announced.

Uneventful yesterday after post. Went to moms to float but after calling doctor they needed me to run to hospital and have records and films sent out so I had a few min sitting in the sun and then did that and came back home. Not much to report on the evening except lounging and a little tent building with baby on the race car bed we have set up in the living room. :) I grilled them some chicken and zucchini for dinner and flopped on the bed for the night.

This morning, still the same familiar aches and belly woes. Waiting for the meds to subside them. Usually about an hour and things settle from head to toe. Always these hot cold feelings from bald head down. Not sure what they are, except very annoying and slightly uncomfortable.  Maybe related to all the chemo stopping your girly stuff from happening each month. Maybe. Best guess.

I don't think we have any plans this weekend. It's a special surprise night for a very well deserving friend that I am hoping to have the energy to make an appearance! I won't hold my breath and I won't force myself but I am hoping that I feel well enough to pop over. Weather looks pretty good all weekend, maybe some pool time at mom's or over at another friend who has gotten a new pool. One step at a time. See if I can. :)

Off to check the news and weather. Simon is already raring to go since 615 am. Dressed and has his breakfast out. Have a great FRIDAY! Cheers to the weekend. God Bless.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Chemo postponed.

Went to chemo but it got postponed due to the infection. Sent over to surgeon to see if it needed lanced and sent out to lab and see what med will help. Didn't need lanced, YAY, just swabbed, which was a little ouchy, to send away and see if it's MRSA and see what meds will help kill it off the best, so I can resume chemo. So I get the week off. Oncology didn't want to suppress my immune system more with the infection so a week Except that its like a car paymt that you can pass on and the tact it on the end. :/ So I didn't get out of it, just delayed it ;) So home, take drugs. And try and repair for next week enough to continue chemo.

Dr. Pathe called and said that I now have a non enlarged lymph node in the area that needs to be watched. :( Not good. One step at a time. Though.

Think I head to moms and lay on a float and forget my woes.  Have to go there and call Dr. Bonaventura and see what she thinks about this new thing. augh.

Float may help.
 :)

Chemo day. Again.

Moving slow. Feels like I got ripped off with being sick the whole week. I usually get a little break and feel ok, never great, but at least ok a few days before chemo. This time ran from last Thursday through. Bummed. :) Maybe I should cancel? Ok, so I'm probably not allowed but wow, is it tempting!
It's only 630. Waiting for meds to kick in so I can grab a quick shower and get dressed. Simon and his dad are up and taking me. Not sure how well that will last, chemo isn't a real exciting place for a 3 yr old. Sure he will bring a few smiles though to others sitting there.

Need my tea to perk me up. After chemo, going straight over to family doctor to see if they can check out this area and test for MRSA. See if that's why I'm still sick. Doesn't seen to be healing very fast even with this antibiotic now 3 days going on 4. :/

Looks like another chilly day! Chilly in PA today 55 this morning! High of 76 later! After a week of 90 we are freezing!

Happy Thursday!  Hope everyone has a good one. God Bless.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

:(

Don't want to be sick any more. Seems like forever.

Wednesday.

6 am. Tea and meds. House is quiet, with Simon still asleep. :)

Yesterday went well. I will have more details tomorrow when I talk to the doctor, but the doctor at the hospital that looked at the ultrasound did reassure that the tumor had shrunk. I don't think a lot, but any is a good sign. I had fears of it growing while undergoing chemo with the Her2+ so high. But it is shrinking! Good to know that all this hard work is doing something.

I'm thinking my misery from infection is coming from an area top of thigh and near bum bending point that has a bump. About a month and a half ago I had a spot there that was infected and needed an antibiotic and now again I have it. Bf has had MRSA 4 times now and I am wondering if that is what it could be.  Simon had a spot on him last month and took an antibiotic for his too. I didn't put it all together until yesterday when I noticed that it isn't getting better. I don't think I have a sinus or respiratory infection at all, I think both times that I've been really sick could be related to this. Oncology doctor hasn't really said much other than she'd check it in a week, but I made an apt with family doctor for tomorrow to see if she can test it and see if it's MRSA and maybe needs something stronger. I'd rather address it now than have it come back in a month if that's what has had me sick in bed all these days! Today I noticed its getting bigger and more painful to sit. YEEEOUCH. :)  Whatever it is, it needs to go away! I KNOW it can't be an infected hair follicle, lol as there isn't barely any left anywhere. Cept my eyebrows and lashes. :) yay!  Wish if I were to have an infected spot of whatever that it could have landed in a better spot. lol As this one is a little too close to home, and isn't fun to show any doctor. Kind of odd that doctor didn't put 2 and 2 together with the infections and antibiotics and this spot and how sick I've been twice now, since she wrote out the scripts, but I guess that's why it's best to pay attention. I just want it checked and looked into to avoid it coming back and creating any more sickness if it is related!

Nothing on calendar today. Just try and relax and feel better. I think grandma is taking Simon for awhile this morning. I think I will soak in another Epsom salt bath when he goes. Maybe by candle light with tea! lol Seems to help with the aches and pains and would be good for my lump. I will say baths and showers are now the quickest easiest thing to do. When you have no shaving or head preparation its very easy. Getting ready for anything takes no time at all and when you can't focus on your hair and how it looks its a whole new experience. It's a real test of your strength to go bald. I wish I'd have shaved my head years ago with a cancer patient to be honest. It's an eye opener to my vanity. As women we don't realize how much of who we feel we are is in how we look. And our hair is such a huge part of it. But when it's gone, you have a whole new outlook on things. I wish in my younger days that I would have chosen to have this experience versus having no choice. Most of my life I've been referred to as the cute little blond. Other than a few chubby years of 60 lbs and steroids, where I was more like cute short blond. lol  Regardless, that long blond hair was a huge part of who I am, or so I had always thought. :) I'm ok though. Being bald is ok. I'm finding out more about myself and how others react than I ever thought I could. This certainly changes your entire thought process on life and how the world is. I've learned that my hair, and I will have to learn that my breasts, do not define me. I'm more certain now than ever that I will have a double mastectomy when I am through with treatment. I am only doing this once. If cancer chooses to pop up anywhere again, I can deal with it, but it will NOT be coming back in any breast tissue. Simon is 3 yrs old. He is dealing with all this pretty well considering. But I don't want him to have to deal with his mom sick again in 5 yrs or 10 or whenever, if there is anything I can do to increase my odds of staying cancer free I have to do it.

My decision is a little easier also with the location of my cancer and the fact that I qualify for double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction and nipple sparing. With small breasts and my cancer being way up high near armpit, they are able to do cuts under breasts and remove all tissue and put in the expanders right way to rebuild, leaving my nipples completely in tact. A very personal decision for each woman facing this. I don't blame any women choosing the lumpectomy and saving their breasts but for me and this little one that I need to stay healthy for, I feel it's the best decision. Hopefully, this will keep me healthier, longer. I feel really good about my choice to do it this way, especially since my PET scan showed no other cancer anywhere in my body. Only in the breast tissue.

Well, feels like I've been rambling on, so I will end on that note! Happy Hump day! Tomorrow is chemo and talk with doctor more on my ultrasound then see family doctor about the infection. I have a family member getting her mamo and a sono to make sure she is healthy and no cancer tomorrow too. Praying very hard that all is clear there. Would LOVE for everyone reading this to pray with me. No more breast cancer in this family. <3 Altho, my genetic testing came back that there are no genetic factors in my breast cancer, some extra prayers can't hurt!

Off to enjoy this baby awhile! Have a great day and god bless!!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Tuesday, testing day!

Day started out ok. Wasn't feeling too great but a small improvement. Then I over did. :) As usual.
Took meds and had my tea, thinking it would be easy morning with shower and get ready for ultrasound appointment with mom and Shelly. Brian's mom coming to watch baby so I thought we'd go to appt and maybe lunch afterwards if I were able to eat. But reality is with a 3 yr old there is no rest.

Had my tea and he was up bright and early, 6am I think! So made him his breakfast and got him dressed, then made beds. Cleaned up some toys from night before with him, and glanced at the kitchen mess. :/  Knowing Liz was coming I didn't want to leave a sticky stove and countertops and sink full of dirty dishes, I went and cleaned all that up before collapsing into chair. Body just has no energy still and that horrible sickly feeling and chills and sweats driving me nuts! Mustered up enough energy for a quick shower and dressed and flopped back in the chair. Exhausted now and thinking NO chance of eating lunch again. Just too nausea. I can barely move. Love to climb back into bed and close eyes again. Although when I do, its not sleep, but it keeps the head from spinning and hurting. BLAH. Maybe as the day progresses and more antibiotic starts working I will feel better. Surely! :)

Ate a little salad last night. Need to work on the appetite. Nurse said I weighed in at 103. I was 128 at Christmas and wanted to be 120. What a waste of time that was. lol I think I can maintain a healthier weight if I make a list of things that are ready made and handy as I tend to be more lazy than anything. Increasing my food intake should add to energy level too, I'd hope. Will work on it. ;) Need to, to keep up with Simon.

Well, off to close eyes for 20 min till Liz gets here to watch Simon.

Hope everyone has a fab day! I'm hoping just to feel even a little better as the day progresses!

God Bless!  <3

Monday, July 22, 2013

It's a Monday! :)

Absolutely no fun weekend! For me at least! Simon's wasn't too bad. He did some deck building Saturday morning, and bible school and ice cream Sunday morning. :) I worry he will start to notice that mom didn't barely move other than bed to recliner for the last 3 days. I try to keep upbeat and not let on how terrible I feel but I'm sure he noticed a little.

Will call later and check with doctor and see what's up. Tried holding off hoping it would pass, but there is something keeping me down. Throat is a little weird and sinus drainage so maybe its just a little infection that needs an antibiotic creating all this misery. I can handle the throat, barely bothers me, but the body aches, and chills, and headache and stomach cramps going on day 4 are getting on my nerves. Impairing my ability to leave house or even move around too much. Augh.

Was supposed to do some running this eve with someone for something I can't mention, ;) but looks like I will have to reschedule or send them without me. Working on a surprise for a deserving friend. I don't like changing plans or having to cancel, but don't see another option right now. Tomorrow is my sonogram, too, to see what chemo is doing. BETTER be doing something.

Very long tiring sickly weekend. Can't handle too many more of those. And lonely. Being sick by yourself is no fun. Man, I'm tuff.  lol A lot tuffer than I thought. Well, ok so a couple times I thought about crawling into mom or shel's bed with them, but didn't! ;)  haha, probably most likely cause I didn't have the energy to drive over to one of their homes! Anyhow!

Once I get the day started and showered and such, I will call over to BCC and see what's up. It's got to get better. Better be some good news from the sono later this week! All this poison better be doing something to that cancer other than making me sick and bald. :)

Hope the week is a good one for everyone and hopefully I feel better very soon! Gotta get it together for this little guy. <3

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Sunday

A very rough few days. :/ Not sure if my body has been trying to catch something or fight something trying to get in while my defenses are down or what, but wow. Haven't felt well AT ALL since Friday afternoon. Terrible weekend.

At least this morning Simon will have a change of scenery and some enjoyment. He is headed to church with Uncle Christopher and Aunt Lynette! His first time in bible school! He will go in with Bailey and Addy. I'm pretty excited for him! Addy turns 3 today so they are stopping for some ice cream after church too. It will be a good day for Simon!

I don't have much to write. The weekend was spent home moving from recliner to bed and back. I've just been so sick and still today, the pain, and nausea, headache, stomach cramps, is almost unbearable. :/  Very little sleep. The misery overpowers, and its just not possible to sleep more than an hour or so at a time. This reminds me of that first round of chemo that I had, that we had to switch away from. Maybe once I get Simon off to bible school, I will try to soak in the Epsom salt bath and see if that will help. None of the meds seem to be doing much of anything. I was really hoping to wake up today to some relief. Maybe it is coming later today! ;)

Going to lay back down till Simon gets up. Maybe a snuggle from my bug will help. <3

God Bless.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Saturday

Sick. Very, very, sick. Again. Augh.

Boys off to help deck build awhile, so try an Ativan and pray for sleep. :)

Does anyone really read this crap? lol

Friday, July 19, 2013

Friday!!!! Rainbow day? Please?

I can't believe when I look at the date that it's July 19th already :/ Feels like the summer is slipping away. Feel like I've missed so many little milestones with Si this past couple months. I force myself to attend local family and friends gatherings that we would normally be doing but I've passed on our small local carnivals that he and I love! Tammy (friend) did take him to one for me and he LOVED it and came home loaded with goodies. But normally he and I would hit all of them. We also would spend many weekdays over at Grammy's heated in ground pool during the week while most were at work just lounging and taking a friend or too, and haven't done that yet. Today, Grammy is picking Si up this morning to go and swim with Aunt Lynette, and his cousins Bailey and Addy around 9 - 930 as it's still 90 here in our area!  He will go this morning and play and have lunch and be returned near our naptime, so we can both snuggle in and lay down. :) MY fav time of day, cuz I KNOW I'm on limited time with these (he turns 4 in November).

My brain wants to shower, and go eat and pick up a few things for my new bathroom (Shelly got me started with early b-day gifts for it! ) and I now would like to get the little things to bling it up further. I'd also like to search a little more for some sweat suits for chemo. It's FREEZING in there! lol Rough time of year to find them, I'm only picky on style, not brand and its hard to find regular sweat pants with elastic at the ankles (need elastic ankles cuz I'm 5' almost 2" ) lol all I can seem to find are open bottoms which means they are 8 inches too long or sweats that have the elastic but the stop under knee! Lucked out and found one set last week at Boscov's nice and comfy, got the small sweatpants and the large sweatshirt (need comfy and have to be able to access port in my chest for chemo).  My body on the other hand is rebelling and wants to soak in bath and lay down and not move or think. I hate the conflict between brain and body! Guess I will see how I feel in a few hours. Hoping better, to get out of house a little and shop, reality of eating though is WAY out there. lol Too belly sick to dream of that. That would end my shopping dream afterwards.

I will say showers are a breeze now. There's nothing to it. Removed the shampoo and conditioner and razor. All that I use now is my bar of sensitive skin Dove. It works from bald head to toes. Small perk I guess of chemo, if you have to find some. Still THANK god for my small eyebrows and eyelashes! I know they too will fall out, but for now they are hanging in there. I did notice I have to use my eyeliner pencil a little to extend the brows a little at end as they seem to be getting a bit shorter, lol . All VERY weird the things at this age that we take for granted. Most of my habits, are slowly getting better, like the headband at night that I use to pull hair off face to wash makeup, I finally moved them and quit looking for them, sine it wasn't "clicking" that I don't have hair to hold back! Also, removed hair dryer and straightener, no need for those. I do still focus on painting toenails and doing my makeup each day. It really helps to still feel like a girl and not some dying cancer patient. Glancing in the mirror after shower is still a frightening thing before makeup for me. The weight loss and the lack of iron, B12, magnesium, folic acid, and sodium amongst the chemo poisoning each week, just hollows out your face and the dark patches of skin tone and the black under eyes along with a bald head still startles me when walking by. But a little makeup and color back in cheeks makes me feel  much better. Had a hard time trying to figure out how far your makeup is supposed to go without a hair line border, lol but I finally got it figured out.  :)

No desire for weekend "date night". Really just a night out where I can mingle with some adults and friends that I haven't seen and I DO usually enjoy touching base even if it's just an hour or two. I usually end op forcing myself, just for that little time of normalcy. Haven't scheduled a sitter yet though, as I'm just not sure I have the energy this weekend. Maybe Saturday night I will.

I am excited for Monday (girl thing we have going, a surprise I can't talk about). And then Friday, the FUN night for someone who SOOO deserves it! I BETTER feel ok to attend!)  Tuesday is sonogram day to see if chemo is doing anything for my cancer. BLAH. It better be. Or more changes and decisions will need to be made. Don't want to dwell on that till I get the results. And of course Thursday, chemo day. Another BLAH. Not going there...keep my mind on today and the weekend...

Off to make a cup of tea, and see how I feel before Si gets up and his plans get started. :)

TGIF everyone! God Bless!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Chemo Day Evening

Chemo day was spent in bed and back and forth to recliner. Sleeping off and on to avoid the pains. Not sure why today is bad, there was nothing different, and AGAIN my counts were good holding their own and I still haven't needed the Nuegen or Neulata shot. Just a whole day of hurting and hot and cold and very sick feeling. Lucked out that Kaleb took care of Simon this morning and Zac was here all afternoon so I was able to close my eyes off and on all day. REALLY hoping tomorrow brings some relief.

Trying a new med this eve Adavan? Instead of the Xanax, to see if it will help me sleep. And laying off the Zofran a day or so for nausea to see if the i.v. long acting does anything and it relieves my daily headaches from a possible doubling up? I was taking both because a nurse told me to take them every 6 hours and not wait to feel sick, then another nurse told me to hold off on them a day or so and see if it helps without giving head ache. Confused. Just do as I am told I guess.

Back to lay down. Tomorrow is FRIDAY. I think it's illegal to be sick on FRIDAYS. :) If I feel this bad though, I may pack a bag and go to my sisters and lay around over there a night. I need some healing time. Too hard to do here. If I see something needs done I have to step in, or if there's an argument I have to intervene. So if it's this bad , I need to remove myself from the area, as anyone who knows me, KNOWS, I am unable to let thing slide that need done, or stay quiet if something needs said.  :)

BUT it won't come to that. I WILL feel better tomorrow. Right?  Have a great night. TGIF soon and God bless!

Chemo day.

6am on a Thursday morning. Moving slow. Waiting on tea wakeup, along with meds. Then a quick shower and dress for the arctic temps at chemo. Learned real quick to dress warm, take slippers and blankie, along with a tank top with a zip jacket cover. Need easy access to my power port, but also need maintain some level of warmth!  Rough time of year to find some comfy cozy sweats! Short people need sweats with elastic ankles or your stuck with dragging pant legs. lol And the style in the store now they stop at below your knees! This chickie needs them to go all the way to the ankles. Managed to find ONE pair at the mall, Oscar the grouch on them, go figure. Haha, but a perfect fit.


Snuggle buddy up and on lap already. :) He has his older brother "hanging out" with him all morning.

Managed to get the time shortened last 2 weeks though. First 2 rounds were from 8 till 3:30 and now I go at 8 and can generally get out of there by 1230 or 1 at the latest. And in another few weeks I will scratch another hour off. (Iron is 6 weeks, and takes an hour to go thru i.v.)  I have 3 of them down.

Don't want to get too excited and settled into routine, thinking this new 8 to 1 thing is too good, being that this Tuesday is another sonogram and pending the outcome it could change the course of treatment. Hard to say though. all I know is that if this tumor has shrank or stayed stayed same all is good, but if it has grown, things will HAVE to change. Deal with that next week when we have more  info. I just know that if it has grown in size, I will be back to researching, my next step. With my HER2+ being a plus 3, if this thing isn't changing I'm not sure I want to chance it remaining in there. Don't want to give it the opportunity to move into lymph nodes and beyond.  Wait and see what sono says.

Simon will be hanging out this morning with his brother Kaleb. Kaleb's 2nd week he offered, seeing me stress and worry over who will watch baby. Zac may pop over for laundry, but he's hit and miss, and Grandpa always checks in for me while I'm there. :) I don't doubt Kaleb has it under control though. Kaleb has my back, he just had to switch some plans around for me. Other grandma Rak had offered, but needed me home by 1130ish so she didn't miss bingo start. Chemo doesn't give me an option to speed it up or cancel or reschedule. It's just one of those things ya gotta do.

I KNOW more than anyone what an inconvenience this all is. I live it. But have to do what I have to do. :) Sooo, off to drink my tea, and shower and get ready here. Shelly does my pick up at 730. :) I could prob easily drive there, but getting home would be pretty difficult. The Benadryl i.v. seems to take its toll on me. Hour of that stuff and I'm passed out for couple hours, and before you know it I
am done. Done but soo loopy I can barely walk outa there. lol

VERY interesting to see if I need that Nuegen booster shot this week. 3 weeks in a row I didn't need it and was just going to get it automatically without a blood count....till I brought it up.  It comes with nasty side effects and some permanent damage to other organs over time. Truly shocked and disappointed that I had to suggest a blood count to check and see if it was needed weekly or not. Crossing fingers my counts still up and don't need it, but not opposed to getting it, if it is REALLY needed. Smart girl though, I started asking for print out of blood count :) altho the numbers truly mean nothing to me I feel better having them in hand lol

Well off to shower, and put on my face. There's just something about  a girl having her makeup on that makes the whole world a little brighter and easier to tackle. ;) And lipstick, always a must. <3

Have a great Thursday!  And god bless! 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Wednesday.

Feeling like I need a second blog. One to just bitch. :) One that is completely anonymous! lol

Wanted to make a post today on what to say and not say to a chemo patient. But then it looks like its me whining. Maybe I will make one and post it on someone else's cancer blog.  :)

HAPPY THOUGHTS......... 

Wednesday.

Still have nothing nice to say, lol. So Therefore nothing to post yet. :)

Monday, July 15, 2013

New week. Happy Monday ;)

Looks like it will be a hot one. 90's most of the week. Pending my energy level maybe it will be a good pool week at mom's! Spent most of yesterday there though, and NOT a great idea for that time length. Makes for a rough evening.  Need to slow it down and focus and rest a little. This treatment is still pretty rough. Body can be easily worn out just being away from home for a few hours.

We did have a good time, though. Watching the little ones swim and run around it was well worth the sacrifice of moving from pool lounger to laying on the swing, to chair lounging. lol Food looked good to, ate a little but not much luck in keeping it in there. :/

But we did manage to spend family time, and the dog cleaned up and house flea bombed. Will be interesting to see if those little buggers resurface. SURELY not! lol You'd think I have  a house full of pets, instead of one little almost 11 yr old peek a poo. She's looking much better today and not scratching, so MAYBE, her bath and powder and the bombing worked.

Today looks like trying to rest and running into the bathroom every couple of hours. Not a whole lot of fun. I do need a run to pharmacy, ran out of the folic acid, and called in a refill, but didn't make it out to pick up yet. I'm holding out hope that once the iron iv, b12, folic acid, magnesium, and sodium levels get back to normal range that my energy level increases. My heart hurts for those who battle this for month and/or years....oh the strength that they must carry!

The benefit we attended Saturday was fabulous. Looked like a very nice turnout. Really good bands and well planned out, with tons of good food on buffet and raffles and Chinese auctions. I got 2 phone calls last night that I had won two of the baskets. (They had over 100, I do believe.)   A very generous lady has offered to bring mine by today ;) So grateful for the offer for delivery. Not a whole lot of motivation to get myself and 3 yr old moving today. Still carrying a lot of pain, from head to toe. And I had gotten spoiled the last 2 weeks with Grammy picking up Simon mon thru wed 2 weeks straight for swim lessons!  He is now done, so it's back to him and I. A month ago, when it was naptime, I'd lay down and snuggle awhile then sneak away and shower and get a few things done but lately, I end up with him the whole time and doze off myself. Even mid mornings it's a struggle to keep my eye open! Doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I get off and on each day, the pure exhaustion creeps up every couple hours! I'm sure some of it is self enduced since I struggle to eat. It's just such a struggle to eat and then end up sick, for  hours afterwards. Hardly worth the effort at times. One small snack can send my body into a couple of hours of stomach pain and nausea. And I take meds to prevent it all, including i.v. med for the nausea each week.

Praying for some more strength and speedy shrinkage for this cancer! 

Happy Monday everyone. Try and stay cool, as Western PA is looking like a hot one! Beats the rain we had practically every day last week!  God bless! <3

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Sunday July 14th already!

Seems as if the summer is flying by! Crazy. On the one hand summer is moving so fast, but cancer treatment seems to be moving as slow as a turtle! I guess the first treatment that I was originally set up to do was 6 mths of an every 21 day cycle. And the at first treatment the side effects were so unbearable that treatment got changed to different chemo drugs and a 16 week, every 7 day cycle, but I had to let that first 21 days run out of system before starting new one. So I am only 3 weeks into the new 16 week one :/ .....although been being treated for 6 weeks total almost, the first didn't count. 

I'm still amazed that this 3rd treatment that they check my blood work before doing anything else, that the "booster" shot for white cells, still hasn't been needed. You know the one, that had TERRIBLE side effects that they wanted to just automatically give it to me without checking my counts to see if it was necessary? Super happy that I researched that one and asked to have my counts checked before the automatic injection of the nasty stuff. Now if my counts are low in any way shape or form and I do need it, Dr. had said she would give me the older one called Neugen, I believe it is called vs. the Neulasta. BUT neither has been needed thus far. Body is maintaining my cell counts on its own as of so far! 

I guess it's always best to do your research and ask as many questions as you can, and never assume the doctors know everything. It's a reality check for me to have to question any of this. I tend to put a lot of faith and major life changing decisions into their hands without even questioning it. They are people who make errors too.  Will watch and follow my treatment and pay closer attention now. :)

Waiting for morning meds to kick in. Working on trying to take them as prescribed and get over the concept of trying to "hold off" and see if they are necessary. I have pill popping phobia, that I try and take as little as possible and not as often as I should in hopes that I can handle the side effects on my own. THUS  I end up and make myself suffer a  little more than necessary. Sooooo, I am trying to accept the reality that they are needed and I have to make a better effort of just taking them as prescribed.

Yesterdays cancer benefit for another, went very well. Took the baby and met some of my friends and mom and Pappy even stopped by. Couldn't stay to long, but was able to eat a little and play some raffles. Seemed they had a pretty good turn out and hoping they were able to raise enough money to really help out that family!

Today is supposed to be a high of 90! We will be headed to grammy's pool later for a picnic and swim. Love family time. Looking forward to floating poolside with all my loved ones. Have to set off flea bombs and take Paige (my 10 yr old peek a poo) along with while bombing the house. Yes, we have fleas. Augh, I have ONE ten lb doggy who NEVER goes outdoors other than to the deck, as she has been paper trained the past ten yrs, and EVERY summer she is flea infested!  She has been flea dipped, $30, had Advantix on her and or Frontline $50, and STILL has fleas. So today will be bombing the house while away and taking her along to flea bath her AGAIN. Poor thing. She must be pretty tasty. lol I've noticed during chemo, not even a mosquito will bite me. It's like they KNOW I'm full of poison every Thursday!

I want summer to slow down, feels like it's passing by too quickly! But I want chemo treatments to speed up! lol Guess I can't have it both ways. :( darn it. 

Spent another night on race car bed in living room. :) Nice and comfy with a brand new memory foam mattress on it. Had a box spring donated to me on Friday, and now this bed is just so comfy and with all the tossing turning I do, I don't interrupt anyone else's sleep time!

Off to start my day. Well, actually that's a lie. Off to have my tea and wait for meds to kick in. ;) 

Happy Sunday to all, and gob bless! <3

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Saturday

Fun night for a little. Stopped at 3 different clubs that I'm a member to. Said hello to many people I hadn't seen in quite some time. Forced myself to eat a little at the Elks club since I hadn't in a few days. A bit of pasta salad, a few bites of cheese, and some black olives! (Hey it was something!) lol

Saw the beer girl at the Moose and got a free t-shirt and enjoyed myself singing a little karaoke. Came home and guess what, I'm still sick. I still have cancer. And it still sucks. Suck is a word that I don't allow my kids to say. Even at 22, and 20. It's not a nice word. I don't like to hear it. BUT there is no other word. I called my sister at 1:00 am.  I couldn't sleep. I tried. I cried, I whined. I spent the night on baby's new car bed (it's in my living room) ment to be upstairs and making him a big boy room, but we spend a lot of time on it down here and I'm not ready to part with him out of my room yet. He's not in our bed, he has his own little toddler bed at other end of my room. I just can't bring myself to have him too far away yet. He goes to bed way before us, in his own little bed, and it brings me comfort to know he is near, and I'm not ready to move him upstairs. This can wait. :) Maybe once I'm done with treatment, maybe once I'm cancer free.

I'm scared to death. I am so afraid in a couple weeks when we do this sonogram on my lump that it hasn't shrunk, that it has grown. If it is bigger, then I have to make some major decisions on what to do. My Her2+ is a plus 3 the highest level. Currently I have no cancer elsewhere according to PET scan but if this lump hasn't shrunk, or has grown even a little, I want this cancer out. I don't want it moving into lymph nodes or beyond. I guess I'm supposed to continue to be the optimist, and say this sono will show same size or shrinkage, right? I'm only 3 weeks in to a 16 week minimum. Why am I so negative? I DO thank god EVERY day that it's me. NOT one of my children. God bless those parents with sick little ones. How do they manage? How do they go thru the motions and stay positive? Why am I having more and more pity parties for myself? I am blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. MUST FOCUS. No more pity me.

Augh. Ok. I'm done whining. Maybe ...lol

Today is new day. Happy thoughts. I have tickets to a benefit for a gentleman who lost his battle and his family needs our support for some expenses. We will take baby and go and try our best to help. It hurts to know that some do EVERYTHING they are told, follow all the rules, and still don't win their battle. Will that be me? Of course not. I'm 40 yrs old with a 3 beautiful children who all need me. I have a 3 yr old, he needs his mama a really long time. Not that my other 2 don't but they are young adults and able to manage. This one needs me for many years to come. My snuggle buddy. My passion. My reason to fight. <3

Enough sappy stuff, already huh? Pray that its not another pity me  day. Time to "man " up and act like a tuff girl again. Sometimes I'm tired though. Sometimes I don't want to be Miss sunshine. :/  can't someone else do it today? :)

Huge thank you to sister and Miss Tiff for listening to me whine middle of the night. When they both were , or should have been , asleep. Blessed to have them care. And listen to big baby in middle of night......

NEW DAY!!! HAPPY THOUGHTS. May everyone have a wonderful, day, hug your loved ones, count your blessings and think only good thoughts. I will try too also! 

Friday, July 12, 2013

TGIF

Finally the a few small plans pending my body permits! Tonight some adult time for an hour or two. Tomorrow a benefit with some good friends, and Sunday a float in pool with mama. ;)

Slept fairly well, after my girls came over to keep my company on deck a couple hours! Loved having them distract me. Only mistake I made was a pespi and half a latte....and not being a huge caffeine girl I placed myself in a spot that made sleep take awhile! No more of that! Back to my daily 6 bottles of water!

Yesterday's blog, on my personal status created more conflict. :/ I wanted this to be my private safe place to vent and share but it got copied and pasted publically on face book and torn apart making me look like a terrible ingrate, so needless to say, I will not continue to put any of that stuff on here, pending I can figure out a control setting and block it. Just didn't want it blocked for the rest of the world in case I had anything to offer, as far as words or help and hope and reality to prepare anyone that may have to face this at some point in their lives. God willing though that it NEVER happens. Wouldn't wish this on anyone, not even those that I've discontinued friendships with!

So enough of that. Looking forward to continue ways to making good progress in this battle to make sure I can be around for my children a VERY long time. <3

God bless, and may everyone have a wonderful, safe and relaxing weekend!  :)


Thursday, July 11, 2013

MIDNIGHT!!!

What was I thinking!>!>! lol I don't do caffeine much am a huge water drinker. And was feeling ill all evening so couldn't go along with baby to see free bird show in park and go eat, so I stayed home and sat on swing and had a little deck fire going with my girls to keep my mind occupied. MEANWHILE couldn't eat all day and drank a pepsi and then half a latte....not being a caffeine girl now Im WIDE awake!!!  Dumb dumb dumb! lol  And we all know a 3yr old isn't going to sleep in! lol

Must use my head before making later night caffeine decisions!

On a lighter note, I FINALLY quit grabbing my head bands to push bangs off face to wash makeup off at bed time. LOL Brain finally kicked in and now more aware that my bald head doesn't need headband for face washing. :)

But I do still toss my head on pillow to sleep and to make my long blond hair not tangle around my head every night, which is rather funny since there isn't a hair to be tangled on it! BUT at least they made pigtails to donate it for others <3 before the shave. Relieved with the shave as my hair only was gone completely on top and front. Way not cute having side hair and back of head hair with the rest as smooth as baby's bottom! lol

Hoping for a better tomorrow. God bless, may your Fridays all be a great one! <3

Thursday, chemo day.

Yippy. Almost 6 am. Waiting on morning meds to kick in, then prepare for chemo. I leave around 7:45 to check in at 8. I have a friend from almost 20 yrs ago taking me this morning so that we can catch up! We have both been crazy busy the past few years but try and update each other on our lives a few times a year :) Looking forward to getting a little time in with her! She's an early riser too, so this gives sister and mom a chance to sleep in a little before they come and check on me. And Miss Tiff, ALWAYS pops in at some point, god love her, usually to watch me sleep. I think I dose off so comfortably when she's there because it usually gives Shelly or mom chance to go do something and I can feel Tiff's presence with me. Not sure why I need that, but hey, it works!

Kaleb (my baby before the baby, he's 20 now) will be watching Simon <3 this morning while at chemo. It's hard sometimes to find a sitter for Simon at 730 am lol a lot of my friends and family are like me, not real happy morning people. ;) 

Brian's mom is now offering to help, which will make things easier. She had prior obligations this morning but next week maybe she can have chemo day. Chemo day is getting shorter though. First 2 were from 8 to 3:30ish, but now we are close to 8 to between 1 and 2, I think. Not sure, I'm a little out of it, because of the benedryl i.v. I get. It knocks me right out. And in a few weeks I can knock another hour off once my iron is back up. It was so low I get an hour i.v. bag of it for 6 weeks, but once that's caught up, that first hour can be removed! Happy dance. Less time in chair. And I  end with a B12 shot x 6 weeks too. Maybe today I will pay attention to what and when and how long each bag of stuff is and share with ya. :)

I did call and talk to head nurse about my nurse last week. Had to do it, and didn't want to right before treatment. Wanted it out of the way before I went in today.  Pretty sure I shared what happened on here?!? Maybe? lol Can't recall, I don't reread any posts. I don't like too. Anyhow she missed my iron last week and eye rolled when I asked about it, and kinda stomped off to check my chart, then sighed and said yes I needed it first. Then all morning she changed i.v. meds without telling me what they were and how long. Other nurses always tell me, and its nice to know. Then at the end she said you are all done and can leave, and I told her, I needed a B12 shot because my paperwork said B12 x 6 too, and only had 2 so far. She again sighed and tromped away to check paperwork and came back and slammed that shot into my arm. lol My arm and port got bruised from her, not being so happy with me. So I called yesterday and talked with them and told them I just REALLY didn't want her working on me, period! Makes me very uncomfortable to have to tell them what treatments I need. I thought that's what they were there to do! The head nurse I talked to was pleasant enough, but she did say that sometimes people have personality conflicts.  UMMMMM I have no personality conflict with that lady at all, I don't even know her!  She just happened to be who I got stuck with that day, and forgot 2 of my needed treatments that were on my chart and THAT made me nervous for her other patients! What if it were something more vital? Anyhow, she assured me that I didn't have to have her again. Which is good. That one made me nervous. As if I don't have enough anxiety lol

Simon got up at 530 when I did. BUT he crawled into his new race car bed, grammy found at yard sale, and fell back asleep. Thank goodness. Too early for that sweet little face to be awake!  :)

I did go for wings last night, during our TERRIBLE weather. Simon had a blast with all his friends! lol His fav sitter Allie was there and his new buddy Calub, so he was pretty happy to get out of house. I managed a few fries and one wing. lol and lotsa ginger ale! Glad we went though as I got to see couple handfuls of my close friends that I hadn't seen for a few days.

Slept fairly well too. Off and on a bit but over all not too bad. I get my benedryl nap in though at chemo  later lol then when I come home afterwards I get my snuggle nappy in with Simon.  Chemo really makes you sleepy. Naps are precious when you have a 3 yr old. And I was truly blessed with a good one!

I have managed to quit looking for and trying to put on my headband at night before face washing lol. Years of that routine took a couple weeks to get rid of the habit. Always used headband to keep bangs off my face to wash it before bed. BUT I do still go for the towel wrapping hair after shower and catch my self and laugh. Bald heads just wipe off, and it still doesn't hit me till I bend over to throw the towel on! then I giggle again at myself. And hang the towel up. :)  hey I am blond...well...when I have hair. My eyebrows are still blond....  ;)

Happy thirsty Thursday to everyone. :) Hope everyone has a fab day. God bless!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

noon

Baby at swimming. Took a bath, fresh pjs on. Major belly pain. Terrific headache. Body feels like its on fire, although I'm wearing a sweat suit and under blanket still freezing. Couldn't imagine trying to eat something. Can't tell if I'm gonna vomit or just pass out. Body aches in places that you never knew you had. And the total exhaustion where you can't stand that your eyes are open and feel as if it takes all of your will power to stay awake, because you have to.....This is how chemo feels.  Every day. Off and on. Not a good few days, and few bad ones, but hour by hour.  Up and down, each and every day. For at LEAST the next 6 months.  This is the reality of cancer and chemo treatments. But we put on our happy faces and try and convince ourselves and others that everything is going well.  :)

Wednesday. 50 cent wing night, lol

Glad I held off for my morning update. Had to give the meds that hour to have anything nice to say!! lol

Now time for tea and watching the news. :/ Rain and more rain. Where's the sun?  Supposed to be April showers.... Mother Nature is confused and running way behind! When it rains I feel every piece of metal in my back flare up, amongst the "other" things. Blah. Refocus though. Make the most of today before chemo tomorrow :)  Hoping for an appetite later and maybe some wings tonight. Long shot, but maybe ;)

Simon is to have his last swim lesson today with Grammy and Aunt Lynette and cousins. :) Can't wait to get him into Grammy's pool soon and see what all he's learned!  I've learned that his 2 weeks of Mon thru Wed swim lessons, spoil me with that hr and half free time, where I usually end up in bathtub soaking and relaxing ! lol

This rain is a pain though. Really needs to brighten up and shine a little more. I'm not crazy about taking the pain med for my back after 4 yrs of alternative dealings with just the Advil and ice and heat! Not allowed any Advil for some reason, and my ortho surgeon had 2 options for me in March but both aren't an option at this time. Stupid cancer stepped in and took priority before I could even consider which lumbar option I was going to try for. On a happier note, on the days that its not rain pain, lol, the cancer pain and chemo pain overrides the back pain. :) If there's a good side to it all, I guess that's it! My back options WERE, replacement of titanium stabilization system that is faulty and adding up a level, or a facet rhizotomy where they damage the nerves enough to not feel the pain running through hips and down the left leg. BUT both options, aren't an option till chemo, and Herceptin I.V. treatment then double mastectomy with reconstruction are all out of the way. Have to prioritize. 

On a positive note, I'm very pleased with all my household updates and home improvement  jobs that have been ignored for years are getting done! The Butler Face Book Flea market has been such a huge help in selling and cleaning out things to reach the financial goals for my home improvements, big shout out to Marlene Pope for all her hard work on that site. It's enabled me to have these things done, ESPECIALLY thrilled with my now working bathroom! lol  And I've done it almost all by myself!!! Well not the physical part of it, that's all been me and sorting,  very little help from boys and boyfriend :/ and some great bartering with a new friend online.  Very proud of myself though. :) Things that had been bothering me for years to get fixed and the progress here has been so uplifting. I love seeing my home get the attention that's been needed for so long. Especially since the amount of time I now spend looking at it all. lol

Since this is my blog and I can speak freely, I do want to say, that I this last month has been hard "on my own". I read blogs from people that have cancer and talk about how their significant others stepped up and took control of a lot of stuff. Little things like house help, or backrubs, or running a bath and being pampered.  Having a rocky relationship from the beginning of the year, hasn't improved with my diagnosis. I was told it would make or break our relationship and its really not looking good. I've been pretty self sufficient for months now on the emotional level that it's pretty easy to accept that I'm pretty much in this alone as far as a partner. Mine has stepped up and helped with laundry and grocery shopping and keeping the baby entertained and some minor clean out sorting, but hasn't helped with sitter arrangements or appt. or soothing words of comfort on any level. Mostly, hasn't really paid attention to even my medical updates, or appts. He came to one for a little bit once. None of this comes as a surprise to me though and I still carry the load as well as can be expected. I debated whether to add this info into my blog but to not address it would be as dishonest as sugar coating the chemo side effects. Hard to write it, we were raised to not speak publically "airing our dirty laundry" as the saying goes.  Boy friend was apartment hunting in Feb and I truly believe he is still here due to my diagnosis. Prob get a lot of slack even mentioning any of this on here from mutual friends and him but this is my blog, my life, and my feelings. I care about him a lot and we share a child but things haven't been good for a very long time. I really thought  this detour in my life would snap things back into making each other a priority but alas, it is not improving. I must be honest with this. Not sure what the future holds, but some things said and done can't be undone. Hurtful words and actions can be forgiven but not forgotten. I don't wish for any one to feel badly for me or for Brian but there may be some big changes coming soon. We've been trying to discuss and work on our relationship but it's really not improving. I don't need a caretaker. Not that I have one lol but I am able to do this with or without his help. People deal with things in different ways I suppose.

It all came to light last week when a very sweet neighbor stopped by with a goody basket and proceeded to share her breast cancer survival  year with me. I didn't say a word to her about my situation, but hearing her tell me that her man, never missed an appointment, catered to her every whim, and pampered her with the cleaning and cooking and taking over all the  household decisions made her treatments go so smoothly. I think my situation is not very healthy for me or for my family. I've tried giving space and time to him to absorb it all and put some thought into how we could get through this together but it's not changing anything. I truly think some big changes are necessary for me to succeed in beating this. :/ Time will tell.

I have a lot of faith, and will just have to put it all in god's hands. It's been taking it's toll on me. so it's really time to turn it over to him and let what will be, be. With my faith in god and my family I know I can get through this, sure is my biggest challenge yet so far though in my life!

Well, off to start my day with my little blessing who is up and raring to go!  Already got my first kiss and hug! What a great way to start the day!

Happy Day to all and God Bless!!!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Tuesday.

Slept off an on most of the day and evening. Simon and his dad went to eat and I managed to go and soak in the bathtub awhile. They were meeting our new friends Tony and Calub for a nice evening out. :) Glad Si got some fun in, as mama wasn't doing so well all day today!

I guess finishing up some projects and getting things done took its toll on me mentally and physically. The physical part is much easier to deal with than the other. The mental process is easy to not dwell on and think about, if you keep busy, but now that I haven't felt so well and have some time to think it's just a little overwhelming.

I really thought when this all started that it would be similar to my mom's. I thought it was like the thousands of other women that have IDC and my treatment would be lumpectomy or masectomy, with some radiation and a maintenance drug for 5 or ten yrs, with routine follow ups. :/  The first surgeon consult that I went to made it sound very easy and similar to that. (He hadn't received my pathology report apparently when we spoke). He jumped the gun, with the little info that he had and I was blindsided when I consulted the UPMC breast cancer specialist, who is also chief of surgery for her hospital. That first consult, was a referral to a general surgeon, with limited info, who just wanted to jump in and remove the lump, never really getting into the entire pathology report. The specialist went into more detail and I actually got a copy of my pathology to find out it was all way more complex and even best to hold off on any surgery pending aggressive chemo and other treatment beforehand.

My report reads as follows:

Final pathology of the ultra sound-guided core biopsied mass in the 11 o'clock right breast reveals invasive ductal carcinoma with apocrine features as well as apocrine ductal carcinoma in situ. All concordant with mammogram and sonogram . (That's word for word as written by pathology.)

The story doesn't end there. From there, you have to take into consideration your ER, PR and Her2 properties. I think I lucked out that my ER PR is negative, but the Her2 positive, is the added problem. It's on a guided scale of 0 to 3 and mine is 3+. All confusing still to me. As well as the apocrine features and the apocrine ductal carcinoma in situ. Seems like one without the other, there's a lot less treatment needed and much more of a successful survival rate, but the 2 combined makes it more complex and add the Her2+ on and its even crazier to understand. All they could really tell me on the apocrine carcinoma in situ is that its rare 1 to 3% have it and not much research is to be found on it. I know its a rare "feature" of the IDC also but what does this really mean for my prognosis? I'm starting with minimum 6 mths aggressive chemo, and a full year Herceptin I.V. but how well is this all going to work? Why do some people survive and others don't? I was told my newest treatment would have some good days and some bad. That hasn't been the case. It's WAY better than the first run of treatment, but I am still waiting for the good days! I have a good couple of hours off and on each day, but I misunderstood I guess. I thought a few down days, then I'd get a few goods ones. Not up and down every day. :(

I want more answers. I want more specifics that if I'm putting in all this effort that it will all turn out and be gone and a guarantee that I will beat it and be here for many years to come for my kids and family. Nobody can tell me that. I've always been able to control, or fix any thing that I've come across in my 40 yrs. I've always been resourceful and found a way to make even the almost impossible POSSIBLE!  My dad always told me growing up, that there were people who talked about doing things and there were people who went out and did them. He told me once, that I was that person who couldn't sit and wait around for things to happen, I went out and MADE them happen. told me how proud he' has always been that I had that outlook. He still texts me daily and calls a lot to check in and make sure I'm ok. There was one morning that I missed texting him and he jumped all over it.... :) I'm truly blessed as this is a man that could have walked way years ago when he and my mom divorced (being that I'm his step daughter) but he hasn't . He's stuck by me throughout my adulthood and continues to love me and cheer me on. <3

Well, morning meds are now starting to work. My stomach pains, muscle aches, bone pains, nausea, headache, and stiffness, are starting to subside. :) Usually do within an hour or so of waking up and getting the pills in me. I HATE having to take medication. Went without for 4 years even with needing another back surgery, MRI this year in Feb didn't go so well. (That's all on the back burner, pending the success of the cancer treatments, then breast surgery and reconstruction, etc etc.)

All this, just since what April?  BLAH. I've never been a quitter, so time to bump up my attitude and trudge forward. Working  on accepting and making the most of this, trying to find a balance of some normal activities and distractions during the time that I'm blessed to feel well a few hours. :)
I 'm hoping that my thoughts are helping someone out there. Maybe one day, when this is all behind me, I will read it. Then again, maybe I won't! lol

Cheers to today being a good one for everyone. :) I am really going to give it my best shot to keep my chin up today and think only happy thoughts. <3 God bless. Hug and tell your loved ones how much they mean to you ;) 

Monday, July 8, 2013

:/

Rough day. Feel bad inside and out. Needy 3 yr old. Biggest dilemma will be to soak in tub when he naps or roll over and close my own eyes. Close the blinds, shut the doors turn off phone and pretend I'm out of town. :) 

Swimming got cancelled by Grammy since Si wasn't too thrilled with idea of water dunking today. So him and Addy didn't go. 

I don't blame Simon. He's got a lot on his little mind and has been extra snuggly with all the new changes and people coming and going around him. He's been used to him and I every day and not a lot of outside interactions. Now it's a lot of watching mom lay around and half the time  me not even getting dressed.

I'm clock watching till naptime. A repeat of last night, where I clock watched till I could go to bed. 

Blah.

Monday.

Yesterday, started off so good, it was a bit of a teaser before the afternoon reality kicked in. Had a very nice time alone, running some errands and feeling pretty good. I left home with an adventure in mind. First stop was Kohl's for a new hat. Seems to frighten people to see a bald head so I thought I'd bling mine up with a new cap! lol Found 2, and a new matchbox tractor for Si that he didn't have. (Just couldn't go home empty handed to  him!) Next stop was Lowes, where I grabbed a box of tile for the back door, and a clearance planter of geraniums for myself. From there a stop at Home Depot for a box of tile for living room foyer. Then I couldn't resist running into the Hair place near there and having my eyebrows waxed being that it seems to be a focal point on my face now that my hair is mia.  :) Then a stop over at the mall, didn't make it far into there, as I was losing my energy level by this point, but said hello to my sweet friend Krista and looked around a bit. Found a new sweat suit  for chemo, as it tends to be FREEZING in there, and found a new sundress, for what, I'm not sure yet. But knowing me, I will find a place to wear it! Maybe if I'm well enough to attend the benefit that I have tickets for on Saturday!

The rest of the day got more difficult. My errand running caught up to me. Mind feels like its normal and wants to run and do things all the time, and my body can't keep up with it.  Most of the day after my errands turned into lounging and barely moving around. I have a new respect and total awareness of what the phrase cancer survivor is.  Although, I don't completely understand why it is labeled that way. I'd say it's more of a chemo survivor respect. Every day is a day that you tend to focus on your side effects from the chemo and hope for the best. I've finally accepted the outward appearance changes but it's more difficult to accept the feelings of highs and lows and the illness part of chemo side effects. I read that some people have chemo anywhere from 6 mths to yrs of it. GOD BLESS them. How they manage to maintain healthy outlook for that length of time, is beyond me. I guess when faced with it you have no choice but to accept it but WOW, cheers to them! I'm still in a fog with it all half the time. Seems like its been forever, but with that first treatment being a 21 day thing, that got changed and had to wait it out for the new treatment that is weekly, I ended up losing almost a month. :/ The new treatment had to be held off till the 21 day nightmare ran its course, then I could start the weekly one, so really I'm 2 treatments into 16 I think. Fuzzy brain though, have to double check with Shelly. :) I need an end date. A focal point. At least for the chemo. There are no guarentees though so I guess I need to pray for some more patience. 6 mths is the minimum.......but we are praying that, that's all I will need. <3

Ended up on the deck towards evening, being that I didn't feel well, with hot and cold spells, my body just couldn't figure out which way it felt! So hard to explain the side effects. One min your freezing, the next you are burning up!  BUT a surprise visit from Brian's mom and his brother for an hour out there was a nice distraction. Kept me from slipping into pity me mode. Some days its easier than others to stay upbeat and it all seems to fair around these darn side effects. AND I really shouldn't complain. This new treatment is MUCH better than the last one, its mostly tolerable, but so up and down each day. I truly have a whole new respect for cancer/chemo survivors who put in their time and never give up while going through this! Looking at my 3 boys each day gives me the strength to trudge on but wow, what of those who don't have those blessings to keep them going! I need to start each day with listing my blessings and those who have really come through for me. It's really not possible to do all this without the continued support of so many loved ones and my driving force to conquor this for my family and kids.

Each day that passes I see so much maturity and growth coming out in my 3 yr old. He's way beyond his years in these past few weeks. He is growing up so fast, and is absorbing so much of it, even though we continue to try and keep most of it under wraps!  His empathy and compassion for mama not feeling well so often is amazing to me at this age. Truly my "later in life" blessing. I have NO doubt why god gave me my little guy after so many years. My driving force to succeed in treatment.

Off to start the day. Nausea meds now kicking in. Happy dance. Today, Si has swim lessons with grammy and Aunt Lynette and cousins. Mon, tues, wed, and they will be completed. He goes from 10:15 to close to noon, that's mama's free time, where I generally soak in tub. But close to noon, I am watching clock anticipating his return!  I get him some lunch and we snuggle in for nap time. A big FAVORITE time of my day :) !! His too, I do believe!

Our new friend tony and Calub may be stopping by later this afternoon to put down new tile also. Then they have plans to go to $5 all you can eat taco night at the Moose club this evening with us. I can tell already though, that the taco night is a very long shot for me. I'm 99% sure I won't be attending that, but the boys all can go and enjoy! ;)

May your Monday be blessed and feel like a Friday! lol Baby is now up. <3 Off to enjoy my morning with him!



Sunday, July 7, 2013

Sunday morning and absolutely beautiful weather!

Windows open! Lovely breeze coming through!

This is the 3rd time I've posted in a half an hour and I hit something that deletes the entire post, so this one I'm slightly agitated! :)  I have no idea what I am bumping on laptop that does this and it drives my BONKERS!!!!  lol ok moving on......

Yesterday was wonderful. All pumped up from Fridays chemo, the premeds make you feel well that night and some of the next day. :) I managed to get out an hour or so Friday and visit some friends a little and have some normal free time with adults. Yay! Then yesterday I managed to get some things done that had been put off for months such as sorting Simon's outgrown clothing. Ended up with 36 pairs of pants and 29 shirts he had outgrown along with 16 pairs of pjs. Took a pic of it all and sold everything within a few hours on our face book flea market. :) Much easier getting him dressed without having to dig through what still fits!  3yr olds grow like weeds!

Then my new friend Tony and his son Calub stopped by with a trailer and removed ALL of my construction garbage!! I was THRILLED!!! (A friend had offered but told me he needed $90 to do it) but things are a bit tight with copays and OTC meds and such.) So needless to say, I am just so happy to have my back door area and swing available to enjoy again! There really are so many good people out there. <3 blessed. He has done so much work here, with our bartering system, gone above and beyond, and still tells me to go and get my new floor tile to get my foyer areas replaced! I think I will look into that this week!

Our picnic at Shelly's house last night went very well too. I was starting to feel run down but managed to go and made it till 930. Couldn't really participate in any of the fun stuff, and was afraid to eat, only a banana stayed down all day yesterday. So I made a small sample plate, and it was FABULOUS.....but it stayed in for about a half hour. :/ Still worth it lol. We had, beef brisket and ribs, and chicken stuffed and wrapped in bacon, hot dogs, cheesy tater casserole, pasta dishes, I had made haluski also, and cole slaw, many different dips and things, TONS of desserts too! My plate was just a small bite sample of everything. But all wonderful, for that half hour. lol

By 930, I was very much expired. Ready to crawl to car and get home!  :) Simon too. all wound up, got his bath and off to bed!

Today the big plan is NOTHING. Although my mind wants to sort my clothing, and sot more hoarder piles, and have a bite to eat, my body isn't cooperating. The muscle aches and bone pain, and belly issues tell me today is a day of rest. :/ I am hoping for some sunshine later, just enough to slip over to mom's and float in the pool with my eyes closed, minus baby and Brian. :)  Guess we will see if Mr. Sunshine cooperates.

I did get ditched yesterday by a friend who was supposed to join me at picnic, and was very disappointed that she didn't bother to take my calls or texts when I started to worry something was wrong after 2 hours of trying to get ahold of her. :/ She ended up texting me 2 hours later telling me she changed her mind and went out drinking instead. Not a big deal , but enough to hurt my feelings but not just being honest and saying it up front. Had I known she couldn't make it, I would have opened up that spot to invite another. :( Very disappointing. I've noticed I've lost a lot of friends, since I cant do a lot of things that I used to, but I try to focus on the others and even new ones that have stepped up and really pulled through for me. It's hard accepting my limitations and hard to keep focused sometimes on my new lifestyle. But I am doing it! I know I'm different, and I know I have cancer but I am still me. I try and maintain a balance of old and new and make the most of things. :)

Still working on the acceptance part that I am sick. I just can't completely absorb it all yet, but as each day passes I'm learning new ways to accept the changes. :) With god's help, and my wonderful family and friends it makes things so much more tolerable! I'm getting there!! 2 chemos down and 14 to go!!! Praying for the 6 mth minimum to work with the chemo!!! Herceptin I.V. drug is still a year BUT it will be without the chemo (hopefully) and I can move forward with hair growth and surgery!

In 2 weeks, I have a sonogram to check the cancer size and see if this chemo is working also. Can't wait!!!!! Praying its working!

Off to enjoy my Sunday morning!! Mr. Sun needs to pop out later, so I sneak away alone to mom's pool and float in the sun an hour or so..... 

Enjoy your day, as I plan too! God Bless!!!  <3

Hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Sunday. I sure am.


Saturday, July 6, 2013

Saturday morning 6am.

Quiet time. The house is asleep! Woke up with back bothering me and the nausea pill wore off. Oddly enough, yesterday I was given an i.v. full of anti nausea stuff that is supposed to remain active for up to 5 days. It never seems to last though.

Last night my neighbor had brought me a beautiful basket full of care gifts all wrapped up! The thoughtfulness of my neighbors and friends sending cards and gifts has been overwhelming! I've been spoiled with it all! From cards to flowers, clothing, hats, meds, and just so many well needed and loving items! Also, the company that by and visits and the amazing people that have sent Simon cards, stickers, books and treats! I'm surrounded by loved ones and prayers. <3 Truly blessed!

Still some chores on my mind to finish, two being clothing sorting for Simon and I. Need a smidge of energy to do that! I've completed tons of projects here in the last few weeks, VERY proud of myself! I need a way to make my household men take in the seriousness of what I am going through though, as again all 3 knew the construction mess outside door needed black bagged up a week ago, and after chemo yesterday, I went out and attempted it myself. :/ Didn't get to far, just a few bags before I headed back into my chair. Then Brian, went out and started a bag or two also. But REALLY? I have 3 men in my life, 48, 22, and 20 that really need to step it up. Maybe they should all go to doc appts each week and stay the entire time ;)  Love my family here at home but they really have no a clue as to how much is on my mind and how difficult these treatments are. Partly my fault as I tend to out on my sunshine face when anyone is in the area, lol

Well off to have my tea and enjoy the silence while it lasts. :) god bless to all and may your holiday weekend be wonderful!!  <3Lotsa love! 

Friday, July 5, 2013

wow. I'm up at 11!!!!

Lol went out. Relaxed. Took NOT one of my 15 scripts today except nausea. And made it from 8 to 10:30!! Yes I had chemo and and other meds via i.v. but they said still ok to take pain meds etc but I chose not too. :)  Grandma Rakarich watched Simon and he was a bit unsure and wanted, and begged me with sleep over with grammy and pappy , but he did very well with grandma Rack. Very nice night.

I didn't wear hair. It just feels weird. I am going to order light weigh bright color hair wig that looks fake that I can wear come fall. This "fake long look" doesn't work for me.  I am odd. I am what I am. Play wig for fun wig that doesn't look or feel real Im cool, but what I need to look ,like me and isn't real or I  I feel odd. :( Sounds odd to me too). lol

 Anyhow many are talking of a benefit for me in oct or nov.  That feels weird to me. I'm  not a sick person!!!!   I am a strong tuff, excuse my language, Bitch!  I have said NOOOO for last few weeks But I am now considering it. :/ I HATE needing help. But I really could use it. Blah darn it and crap!
Oh well. I will do what they need me to do. It's just oh so hard to admit the reality of it all being a life threatening  disease. Blah no way. Im tuff. MAYBE 6 wk chemo!!! In two week we will sono tho! Sucker better be shrinking! If not chemo will go more aggressive and longer,,,,
BUT NOT  me!!

Enuf of that !!! I will do this, I will conquer it with god and family and extended family reading this junk!

Keep u posted on sono...2 weeks! Love to all who came out!!  <3

Fireworks!

Over slept a little!  Already 7 am! Having a little tea and checking in on here before I get ready for chemo. Mom will be taking me today, and pick up is at 7:45.  Can't quite see yet, and none of the meds are started. Don't want to go today. lol Rather sleep in.....But. oh well. I will do as I am told.

Yesterday was very nice! Had a fairly good day considering how I was feeling. Took Simon to our annual 4th picnic at Mic and Cheryls. Tons of great food. Ate a little, but didn't manage to keep it down for long. and I had to take two little naps on miss Cheryls couch, but I did enjoy seeing everyone and Simon had a blast. :)

We opted to join my family for the fireworks rather than stay at picnic. So we moved over a couple of blocks and set up out chairs and goodies with them! We had prepared all the little ones with ear muffs ( the type you use when gun shooting) and they babies seemed to really enjoy the fireworks! Simon referred to his as ear gloves. lol And Bailey his 4 yr old cousin was trying to get Si to help her catch the firefleas! We aren't quite sure where firefleas came from other than maybe it's easier to say then fireflies! It was a great night, but home by 11, and everyone was really dragging!!  It didn't take long for any of us to fall asleep! 

Off to chemo.....TGIF!!!! and God Bless!!!!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

6 am and its Thursday....the 4th of July!!!

Had a blast last night. Stayed out too late. Up too early. And so happy I went!

Very little food though. Again. I tried. I did eat though! One cheese stick. One fourth of fried pickle. and a bite of chicken wing! lol Ok so to many it doesn't sound like much, but for me that's HUGE!

The eating thing is hard for me. I do get hungry. And I LOVE food. I have to jump on it when it comes, like seriously, if I feel hungry I have to IMMEDIATELY eat, or it passes and may not come around again for hours. :/ Very odd for me. I could go without sugar, or junk food for days, but I do love my carbs. But it has to be ready and sitting in front of me, or I am lazy and just don't care, and then a whole day goes by, and I've forgotten. Yea yea I will work on that......

Went to the Moose last night bald. But had a hat. The only place I feel comfortable without hiding. ;) My vanity gets the best of me at times. But being a member there almost 10 yrs I feel as though most of them are family. And I had some friends come along, old and new. Very cool. Very fun. And a night where I felt very close to being normal. I had a sitter here who adores the baby as much as me, so I was really able to relax and not give it a thought. I will say I am blessed there. I have a few girls that are so perfect for my little guy! Simon has a few girls that he asks for, and I feel very lucky because when these girls help me with him, I can really not give a second thought, and focus on some fun. :) Will say I miss my Allie, chickie goes to camp in the summer, BUT she lives within walking distance and comes to see us, even not when sitting!  BIG shout out to Paige, though, her second sitting with Simon, and she is good for my moral too. Her mama raised her right. Both have a VERY close spot in my heart. Both make me feel beautiful and normal.

Today is the 4th of July. Picnic day, god willing I feel well. :) I don't want to think about tomorrow. Chemo again. Blah. BUT today is a holiday, hoping for an appitite!! ALWAYS the best food at Mick and Cheryls picnic!!  I KNOW that Donna will have her cheesy tater casserole there!!! Please Lord, let me have an appitite! lol...maybe i will take a plate home just in case! Knowing I may get the urge to eat at any point when I am home, I may get the urge to eat!

I think I repeat myself a lot. I'm not 100% sure, because I don't read my posts. I don't want to. But I write so that I can look back.....way down the road when I'm cured and remember, if needed, to embrace life, and cherish each healthy day once this over. I'm hoping and praying my thoughts are helping someone out there cancer or not and being and saying what really happens throughout all this. My goal is that posts help someone. Anyone. Whether they have cancer or not. NOT is even better! I pray they find a cure that doesn't require a weekly poison.

I still laugh every night before bed when I run bathroom water to wash my makeup off, set my clean wash rag out and grab my headband to put on to keep my hair from being soaped. LOL I toss the headband and laugh each time! I think I should move them.....old habits are hard to break!

You all now you do the same thing!!!! When your electricity is out and you walk into a room and hit the light switch! ;)

Ok, off to make a cup of tea...and my Umar (bff friend from WAYYYYY back) sent me his mama's pistachio bread to have a slice this a.m. Hoping IT will stay down.

OOPS forgot, I got more presents last night too, my Jess (another bff) got me a new princess hat! woop woop! maybe where it to chemo...blah, moving on. Don't wanna go. This will be first one without my sister. :(  Mom is taking me. Shelly needs a day to herself. And Miss Tiff always stops in, that makes it easier. I don't think Tiff has missed one yet either <3 . 

Happy 4th to all!!! Enjoy your day. Hug your loved ones!!!!  And as always....
God Bless!!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Wednesday. Work week catching up to me!

It's Wed. but more like a Friday with the holiday tomorrow. :) Although, this Friday isn't a whole lot of excitement for me, anyhow, as it is chemo day. It got moved a day forward due to the 4th of July Holiday. Summer is slipping way so quickly! I feel like the last month and a half has been a whirlwind and blur!

For some reason, this year when the weather broke and I received my diagnosis, I had this urge to finish projects and clean out and clear areas of my home that had been neglected for many years. It must be some type of psychological thing. I'm really not sure. Yesterday, I started out not feeling so well, then mid day had a boost of energy that carried into the evening a bit, before a huge crash sent  me to bed at 5:00. Then after 2 hours there I felt the need to push myself again and finish the toy section sorting I had started.  So far in the past 3 weeks. I've completed, and sorted and cleared out a computer room that looked like an episode of hoarders (for past 3 years) with the help, very little, from my boyfriend, and it is looking much better. Then the bathroom, had a new tub, shower surround, flooring, and light fixture, along with some much needed plumbing update on sink and tub fixed, (friend Tony) did all that, and my two older boys did the demolition in there before hand. Success there! The living room was another project, Hoarders corners, in each section, that had to be sorted and donation piles, garbage, and keep piles. All 4 corners! I have 3 completed as of yesterday, and one to go!  I still have a pile sitting there. to go to donation and a big pile outside my door to be hauled away by garbage truck, its a bathtub and demo pile with tile etc. :/ first estimate was $90. But that seems to steep. I will look around for someone less pricey. And I got my 2 new screen doors replaced!  BEAUTIFUL!  Brian bought the doors and Tony installed them. This has been a real eye opener this past 3 weeks with my projects and the lack of help from household. Very sad actually. But that's a whole different story. I am VERY proud of myself for what I have accomplished and the things I was able to achieve with the little help from boyfriend and kids and the BIG help from Tony with  our barter system! :) I'm most disappointed though in my household that watched me struggle so hard to sort and clear out while "observing" from a distance. I'd hoped for some extra help once the saw me struggle. Well, enough, of that complaining! I did it!! I figured it out and I will continue to do so. It makes me feel GREAT knowing that I used my brain and resources to accomplish as much as I have!

Today, I have to slow it down some though, I need to remind myself that my body needs rest and a break from it all to catch up and remain as healthy as possible before Friday. So today once Simon is off to swimming lessons with grammy, I will run vacuum and try and relax with a bubble bath. Only thing on my mind today is to research a garbage pick  up more affordable and maybe find someone willing to take a small donation load of toys etc to drop off somewhere. :) But over all, I know I need to put my clearing out sorting to a halt for a few days.  I only have one corner left in living room to go! Kitchen needs sorted eventually, and my bedroom clothing and Simons need a good sorting also. But that stuff will wait another week until I can muster up enough energy. I don't want my bloodwork this Friday coming in too low and need to have that extra shot that increases my white counts but puts me down to almost bed rest. :/

Go me! lol Till later....may everyone have a great day and god bless!!