Saturday

Fun night for a little. Stopped at 3 different clubs that I'm a member to. Said hello to many people I hadn't seen in quite some time. Forced myself to eat a little at the Elks club since I hadn't in a few days. A bit of pasta salad, a few bites of cheese, and some black olives! (Hey it was something!) lol

Saw the beer girl at the Moose and got a free t-shirt and enjoyed myself singing a little karaoke. Came home and guess what, I'm still sick. I still have cancer. And it still sucks. Suck is a word that I don't allow my kids to say. Even at 22, and 20. It's not a nice word. I don't like to hear it. BUT there is no other word. I called my sister at 1:00 am.  I couldn't sleep. I tried. I cried, I whined. I spent the night on baby's new car bed (it's in my living room) ment to be upstairs and making him a big boy room, but we spend a lot of time on it down here and I'm not ready to part with him out of my room yet. He's not in our bed, he has his own little toddler bed at other end of my room. I just can't bring myself to have him too far away yet. He goes to bed way before us, in his own little bed, and it brings me comfort to know he is near, and I'm not ready to move him upstairs. This can wait. :) Maybe once I'm done with treatment, maybe once I'm cancer free.

I'm scared to death. I am so afraid in a couple weeks when we do this sonogram on my lump that it hasn't shrunk, that it has grown. If it is bigger, then I have to make some major decisions on what to do. My Her2+ is a plus 3 the highest level. Currently I have no cancer elsewhere according to PET scan but if this lump hasn't shrunk, or has grown even a little, I want this cancer out. I don't want it moving into lymph nodes or beyond. I guess I'm supposed to continue to be the optimist, and say this sono will show same size or shrinkage, right? I'm only 3 weeks in to a 16 week minimum. Why am I so negative? I DO thank god EVERY day that it's me. NOT one of my children. God bless those parents with sick little ones. How do they manage? How do they go thru the motions and stay positive? Why am I having more and more pity parties for myself? I am blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. MUST FOCUS. No more pity me.

Augh. Ok. I'm done whining. Maybe ...lol

Today is new day. Happy thoughts. I have tickets to a benefit for a gentleman who lost his battle and his family needs our support for some expenses. We will take baby and go and try our best to help. It hurts to know that some do EVERYTHING they are told, follow all the rules, and still don't win their battle. Will that be me? Of course not. I'm 40 yrs old with a 3 beautiful children who all need me. I have a 3 yr old, he needs his mama a really long time. Not that my other 2 don't but they are young adults and able to manage. This one needs me for many years to come. My snuggle buddy. My passion. My reason to fight. <3

Enough sappy stuff, already huh? Pray that its not another pity me  day. Time to "man " up and act like a tuff girl again. Sometimes I'm tired though. Sometimes I don't want to be Miss sunshine. :/  can't someone else do it today? :)

Huge thank you to sister and Miss Tiff for listening to me whine middle of the night. When they both were , or should have been , asleep. Blessed to have them care. And listen to big baby in middle of night......

NEW DAY!!! HAPPY THOUGHTS. May everyone have a wonderful, day, hug your loved ones, count your blessings and think only good thoughts. I will try too also!