Glad I held off for my morning update. Had to give the meds that hour to have anything nice to say!! lol
Now time for tea and watching the news. :/ Rain and more rain. Where's the sun? Supposed to be April showers.... Mother Nature is confused and running way behind! When it rains I feel every piece of metal in my back flare up, amongst the "other" things. Blah. Refocus though. Make the most of today before chemo tomorrow :) Hoping for an appetite later and maybe some wings tonight. Long shot, but maybe ;)
Simon is to have his last swim lesson today with Grammy and Aunt Lynette and cousins. :) Can't wait to get him into Grammy's pool soon and see what all he's learned! I've learned that his 2 weeks of Mon thru Wed swim lessons, spoil me with that hr and half free time, where I usually end up in bathtub soaking and relaxing ! lol
This rain is a pain though. Really needs to brighten up and shine a little more. I'm not crazy about taking the pain med for my back after 4 yrs of alternative dealings with just the Advil and ice and heat! Not allowed any Advil for some reason, and my ortho surgeon had 2 options for me in March but both aren't an option at this time. Stupid cancer stepped in and took priority before I could even consider which lumbar option I was going to try for. On a happier note, on the days that its not rain pain, lol, the cancer pain and chemo pain overrides the back pain. :) If there's a good side to it all, I guess that's it! My back options WERE, replacement of titanium stabilization system that is faulty and adding up a level, or a facet rhizotomy where they damage the nerves enough to not feel the pain running through hips and down the left leg. BUT both options, aren't an option till chemo, and Herceptin I.V. treatment then double mastectomy with reconstruction are all out of the way. Have to prioritize.
On a positive note, I'm very pleased with all my household updates and home improvement jobs that have been ignored for years are getting done! The Butler Face Book Flea market has been such a huge help in selling and cleaning out things to reach the financial goals for my home improvements, big shout out to Marlene Pope for all her hard work on that site. It's enabled me to have these things done, ESPECIALLY thrilled with my now working bathroom! lol And I've done it almost all by myself!!! Well not the physical part of it, that's all been me and sorting, very little help from boys and boyfriend :/ and some great bartering with a new friend online. Very proud of myself though. :) Things that had been bothering me for years to get fixed and the progress here has been so uplifting. I love seeing my home get the attention that's been needed for so long. Especially since the amount of time I now spend looking at it all. lol
Since this is my blog and I can speak freely, I do want to say, that I this last month has been hard "on my own". I read blogs from people that have cancer and talk about how their significant others stepped up and took control of a lot of stuff. Little things like house help, or backrubs, or running a bath and being pampered. Having a rocky relationship from the beginning of the year, hasn't improved with my diagnosis. I was told it would make or break our relationship and its really not looking good. I've been pretty self sufficient for months now on the emotional level that it's pretty easy to accept that I'm pretty much in this alone as far as a partner. Mine has stepped up and helped with laundry and grocery shopping and keeping the baby entertained and some minor clean out sorting, but hasn't helped with sitter arrangements or appt. or soothing words of comfort on any level. Mostly, hasn't really paid attention to even my medical updates, or appts. He came to one for a little bit once. None of this comes as a surprise to me though and I still carry the load as well as can be expected. I debated whether to add this info into my blog but to not address it would be as dishonest as sugar coating the chemo side effects. Hard to write it, we were raised to not speak publically "airing our dirty laundry" as the saying goes. Boy friend was apartment hunting in Feb and I truly believe he is still here due to my diagnosis. Prob get a lot of slack even mentioning any of this on here from mutual friends and him but this is my blog, my life, and my feelings. I care about him a lot and we share a child but things haven't been good for a very long time. I really thought this detour in my life would snap things back into making each other a priority but alas, it is not improving. I must be honest with this. Not sure what the future holds, but some things said and done can't be undone. Hurtful words and actions can be forgiven but not forgotten. I don't wish for any one to feel badly for me or for Brian but there may be some big changes coming soon. We've been trying to discuss and work on our relationship but it's really not improving. I don't need a caretaker. Not that I have one lol but I am able to do this with or without his help. People deal with things in different ways I suppose.
It all came to light last week when a very sweet neighbor stopped by with a goody basket and proceeded to share her breast cancer survival year with me. I didn't say a word to her about my situation, but hearing her tell me that her man, never missed an appointment, catered to her every whim, and pampered her with the cleaning and cooking and taking over all the household decisions made her treatments go so smoothly. I think my situation is not very healthy for me or for my family. I've tried giving space and time to him to absorb it all and put some thought into how we could get through this together but it's not changing anything. I truly think some big changes are necessary for me to succeed in beating this. :/ Time will tell.
I have a lot of faith, and will just have to put it all in god's hands. It's been taking it's toll on me. so it's really time to turn it over to him and let what will be, be. With my faith in god and my family I know I can get through this, sure is my biggest challenge yet so far though in my life!
Well, off to start my day with my little blessing who is up and raring to go! Already got my first kiss and hug! What a great way to start the day!
Happy Day to all and God Bless!!!
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