Tuesday.

Slept off an on most of the day and evening. Simon and his dad went to eat and I managed to go and soak in the bathtub awhile. They were meeting our new friends Tony and Calub for a nice evening out. :) Glad Si got some fun in, as mama wasn't doing so well all day today!

I guess finishing up some projects and getting things done took its toll on me mentally and physically. The physical part is much easier to deal with than the other. The mental process is easy to not dwell on and think about, if you keep busy, but now that I haven't felt so well and have some time to think it's just a little overwhelming.

I really thought when this all started that it would be similar to my mom's. I thought it was like the thousands of other women that have IDC and my treatment would be lumpectomy or masectomy, with some radiation and a maintenance drug for 5 or ten yrs, with routine follow ups. :/  The first surgeon consult that I went to made it sound very easy and similar to that. (He hadn't received my pathology report apparently when we spoke). He jumped the gun, with the little info that he had and I was blindsided when I consulted the UPMC breast cancer specialist, who is also chief of surgery for her hospital. That first consult, was a referral to a general surgeon, with limited info, who just wanted to jump in and remove the lump, never really getting into the entire pathology report. The specialist went into more detail and I actually got a copy of my pathology to find out it was all way more complex and even best to hold off on any surgery pending aggressive chemo and other treatment beforehand.

My report reads as follows:

Final pathology of the ultra sound-guided core biopsied mass in the 11 o'clock right breast reveals invasive ductal carcinoma with apocrine features as well as apocrine ductal carcinoma in situ. All concordant with mammogram and sonogram . (That's word for word as written by pathology.)

The story doesn't end there. From there, you have to take into consideration your ER, PR and Her2 properties. I think I lucked out that my ER PR is negative, but the Her2 positive, is the added problem. It's on a guided scale of 0 to 3 and mine is 3+. All confusing still to me. As well as the apocrine features and the apocrine ductal carcinoma in situ. Seems like one without the other, there's a lot less treatment needed and much more of a successful survival rate, but the 2 combined makes it more complex and add the Her2+ on and its even crazier to understand. All they could really tell me on the apocrine carcinoma in situ is that its rare 1 to 3% have it and not much research is to be found on it. I know its a rare "feature" of the IDC also but what does this really mean for my prognosis? I'm starting with minimum 6 mths aggressive chemo, and a full year Herceptin I.V. but how well is this all going to work? Why do some people survive and others don't? I was told my newest treatment would have some good days and some bad. That hasn't been the case. It's WAY better than the first run of treatment, but I am still waiting for the good days! I have a good couple of hours off and on each day, but I misunderstood I guess. I thought a few down days, then I'd get a few goods ones. Not up and down every day. :(

I want more answers. I want more specifics that if I'm putting in all this effort that it will all turn out and be gone and a guarantee that I will beat it and be here for many years to come for my kids and family. Nobody can tell me that. I've always been able to control, or fix any thing that I've come across in my 40 yrs. I've always been resourceful and found a way to make even the almost impossible POSSIBLE!  My dad always told me growing up, that there were people who talked about doing things and there were people who went out and did them. He told me once, that I was that person who couldn't sit and wait around for things to happen, I went out and MADE them happen. told me how proud he' has always been that I had that outlook. He still texts me daily and calls a lot to check in and make sure I'm ok. There was one morning that I missed texting him and he jumped all over it.... :) I'm truly blessed as this is a man that could have walked way years ago when he and my mom divorced (being that I'm his step daughter) but he hasn't . He's stuck by me throughout my adulthood and continues to love me and cheer me on. <3

Well, morning meds are now starting to work. My stomach pains, muscle aches, bone pains, nausea, headache, and stiffness, are starting to subside. :) Usually do within an hour or so of waking up and getting the pills in me. I HATE having to take medication. Went without for 4 years even with needing another back surgery, MRI this year in Feb didn't go so well. (That's all on the back burner, pending the success of the cancer treatments, then breast surgery and reconstruction, etc etc.)

All this, just since what April?  BLAH. I've never been a quitter, so time to bump up my attitude and trudge forward. Working  on accepting and making the most of this, trying to find a balance of some normal activities and distractions during the time that I'm blessed to feel well a few hours. :)
I 'm hoping that my thoughts are helping someone out there. Maybe one day, when this is all behind me, I will read it. Then again, maybe I won't! lol

Cheers to today being a good one for everyone. :) I am really going to give it my best shot to keep my chin up today and think only happy thoughts. <3 God bless. Hug and tell your loved ones how much they mean to you ;)