Woke at 3 and got up to take a pain pill. Back isn't cooperating this morning. If you want to call it morning! Belly pain and some cramps on top of the back pain was just too much to try and sleep through! So , up and starting my day! Maybe I can doze off after bit before I leave at 730 for the day! If not, I can usually nap at chemo. ;)
My back issues have been much less an issue the last few weeks since my brain has had to focus on the cancer and has been overloaded. But every few days I get the reminder that yes, that issue will one day need to be addressed too! I've had previous back surgeries that have disabled me from doing a lot of "normal" things that other people can do. Took me a couple of years to learn to accept the situation and learn my limitations that come along with it. Right about mid Feb, of this year I had an MRI after 4 yrs of trying to ignore the problem it had gotten to the point that I couldn't ignore it and needed to have it checked. I had learned to deal with the pain and had tolerated it with just taking some Advil or Tylenol (didn't want to be that person that relied on pain pills).In Feb the MRI had shown that 2 more disks were out and my stabilization system was still in tact but this brand that I had was breaking down in most patients and causing the disks above and below to blow out :/ . Surgeon recommended that we pull out the current system and replace it with a new one and build it uo a level and down a level to eliminate the excess bulging disks from squishing out on the nerves that run down my legs. It's a pretty serious surgery though with a lot of recovery time and I needed to take time and think on it. That's when I decided that a gyno exam and mamo should prob be addressed also. Gyno, pap test came back perfect, and mamo came back with this current mess. :( I've tried for yrs to keep my back stuff to myself and not advertise it, most people don't really know the extent of it. But it's there and unavoidable now. When the diagnosis of breast cancer came and I knew fixing it needed to be put on the backburner with the cancer, I gave in and asked for the lowest dose Vikedin to help. Didn't want to, but knew with the cancer stress I had to do whatever it took to get through this next year. So therefore I thought I may as well be honest on here and admit to it all. It took me yrs to accept that I am, and I hate the word, disabled. I have early onset degenerative disk disease, with originally 3 herniated disks, causing spinal stenosis, with the excess disk laying on the nerves. Originally they tried trimming back the disks, but that was short lived as my vertebrae collapsed and needed a another surgery to put a titanium rod in to stabilize the area from further collapsing. Now that system needs removed (manufacturer has pulled it from the market) and Surgeon wants to remove and replace with a new one and add on to it! :( Can't be done at this time though, the breast cancer takes top priority because my Her2 positive is at a 3, on a scale of 0 - 3. So , there, its out there. I have a back issue (I'm trying to ignore) and keep my focus on this current, and more life threatening issue of the cancer. It hasn't been too bad with the pain pill help that I really try and hold off most days by not taking the recommended dose unless absolutely necessary.
The back stuff was all caused by an injury in a band I was in as a hobby and pulled offstage by an older man wanting to dance. He had pulled me off and twisted me the wrong way and hurt my back, totally unintentional. But it happens. And I can't deny the fact that it has been life changing. It took me a few years to accept my new life with the limitations and learn that I am not able to do certain activities that will aggravate the situation.
I' m honestly ok with all of this now. Learning to cope with knowing my back can't be addressed right now and will have to hold off, until I can get this new diagnosis of breast cancer under control, just some days I do get the "pity me's" ! :) I get mad at myself when I do that, so I try and cut them short! There are so many others out there with worse scenerios, that I can't allow myself to slip into pity me mode. I THANK god each and every day that I have the cancer and not one of my children! I have 3 healthy boys and this is such a huge blessing. And most of my family is all healthy too. I currently only have to worry about moms breast cancer not coming back from last summer and my sister maintaining her health also! Mom is doing very well, with a lumpectomy and radiation last year, and she takes a pill a day for 5 years and gets reg check ups! So far so good for her, thank you god!
The past 2 months have been a whirlwind of acceptance! Most days are pretty good, some days it does overwhelm me but I know I can overcome all of this and live another healthy 40 yrs! I must. for my family, that is my strength, and my children. With humor and love and support from friends and family and leaning on god for strength to endure all this, I know I can conquer it all. So, this post is a reminder to myself that I can do anything through Christ, I've been so blessed to have so many wonderful supportive family, extended family and good loving, caring friends! Doesn't mean I don't have days I'd like to fast forward year or so.....lol .
Today is another stepping stone on my path to getting healthy. One more obstacle that I can get moving forward. It feels good to get this all out there and be honest and not have to continue hiding how much I really am feeling the mental, emotional and physical aspects of the reality of where I really am with back problem and breast cancer. I am strong. As well as my faith! With a huge surrounding of love and support. I am TRUELLY blessed. I can do this.
To all, have a GREAT day, hug your love ones. tell them you love them, and keep your chin up. Life can toss us anything and we can overcome it! I'm a believer, are you?
God Bless!!!
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